THE UNBELIVER’S GUIDE: The four types of Christians and the ONE you must avoid PT 2

…Continuation from Part1


The level-playing aka the Sunday-service Christians make-up about 50% of the Christian echelon. Just like their name says, they are the “regular” christians whose righteousness and holiness are at its peak on Sundays.

You know the type of Christians that talks shit from Monday to Saturday, act very radical from Monday to Saturday, but as soon as its 5am on Sunday morning, they’ll be acting like they’ve been washing hands with Jesus for a 100 years. They are the type that’ll come out from the Club by 4am in the morning rush home, get dressed and go to church with a duck-face.

One thing I love about these folks is their sunday-service drama; they’re the first to drop to their knees at the sound of the worship song. They know Kirk Franklin’s Songs more than Kirk Franklin. The lady Christian in this category are the first to detonate tears to the lord when worship songs with lyrics like “Jesus I love you”, “You make my life beautiful”, “You make me complete”, etc. The weight of their crocodile-tears will make the Jesus crucifix be wondering who is really the one crucified here.

One thing characteristic about them is their Sunday-service apparels. They dress so good to church even the pastor would be threatened to raise more tithes and offerings to keep up with the satin competition. The females in this genre, dress so good, even the Pastor’s wife would be wondering if there are contenders for her position. She’ll transfer the burden of competition on her husband who’ll transfer the burden to the congregation to give more onto the Lord.

If they are the hat-wearing Christians, their hat would be so large to shelter an umbrella from the rain, their high-heel shoes never disappoints the church’s floor. “Koi koi koi”, says the church tile as they saunter across the church auditorium with their I-pad and samsung tablets. In those days, they were recipients of fancy/colourful bibles, but thanks to the god of Samsung/Apple and all things tablet. These category of Christians are the biggest patronizers of tablet devices just for the Sunday show. In a place like Nigeria, it is now very trendy. As a matter fact, Nigerian Pentecostal Christians have taken it to another level with their Gucci, Prada, I-pad/tablets pouches, it is now an operation “show-me -your-pouche”.

Unlike the former (the Indifferent Christian) who only knows John 3:16 and Psalms 23, the Sunday-service christians knows a bit more like the Malachi tithing verse, a couple of Jesus verses and quotes, Paul’s ego-boosting rhetoric like “by his stripes I’m healed”, “He became poor, that we might be rich”, “The kingom of God suffereth violence…. And violence taketh it by force”, etc. If they are the pentecostals, they will know how to spew a few shits aka speak-in-tongues.

The ridiculous thing about these group of christians, is that they barely know the bible but they’ll know all the words of the preacher. You’ll hear them regurgitate stuffs like “Pastor Chris said…”, “The other day when Papa was filled with the anointing, he declared….”, “My Papa in the Lord always says…”, etc. Their knowledge and ignorance is kow-towed to “Papa says”

The Pastors love these kinds of Christians, for they are the first to respond to SEED calling and donations. Their payment of tithe is not an option, there is no contest on this one, the pastor is at ease that his bank account is ever smiling cos of these folks.

One very recurrent characteristic of these folks is that when they return home from Service, they’ll be singing aloud to the neighbourhood, so that we’ll know he/she went to church. You may not even have to ask them, they’ll generous tell you “Service was great today mehnnn, it was so powerful today, you missed”.

On the social media like facebook, every Sunday morning, their duty is to post statuses like this : “Good morning friends, make sure you go to church today, it is good to praise the Lord”, “In the presence of God there is fullness of Joy, *off to church*, catch ya later”. Then after Church hours, they’ll post stuffs like “Service was explosive! I felt blessed”, “This is my week of celebration! Today’s sermon was powerful, God bless my pastor, I was touched”, etc

These kind of Christians may not necessarily like the atheists or the unbelievers, they mostly have this “Holy-than-thou mentality”. A lot of them are hypocrites. In a place like Benin city, they’ll go to the shrine on saturday then go to the church on Sunday. To them, if you don’t go to church on Sundays, you’re toast! Their religitard level is 60%.

Part 3: The Proper Religitard….


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s