How tolerant is your ideology

The true nature of an ideology is best known when it is subjected under the knives of scrutiny and ridicule. It is not enough to label an ideology “religion of peace”, “gospel of salvation”, “truth”, etc without allowing her to be interviewed. It is not done that way, dear people of faith.

Let us put them to practice:

Islam: What will happen to you if you enter a mosque or a Large muslim population to say “Mohammed is a paedophile and schizoprenic”, “an apostle of terror”, etc. Oh! That’s too far. What about drawing a cartoon of Mohammed? What will become of you? What reception will those who say “It is a religion of peace” accord this? Do we need to remind ourselves of the bloody history of scenarios like this?

Christianity: If you show a Christian, the parallel between the Jesus character and Horus, Dionysius, Mithra, etc. How will they react. For an ardent Nigerian Christian: “God punish you”, “Do not test the wrath of God!” If you tell a Winners chapel Christian that their Bishop Oyedepo slapped a poor lady on camera for saying “I am a witch for Christ”, defrauds people of their coin in the name tithes, seeds and offerings, how will they react? Assuming you thunder this in a winners church service, won’t the ushers and the church members beat the shit out of you after gifting you with curses?

Science: If you walk into a NASA building and shout “Only fool believes the big bank theory”, there is no planet like Mass, the earth isn’t spherical, etc. Will you get shot or beheaded? Will scientists at NASA scream blasphemy? What will they do? They’ll accord you a board, a pen, a paper and ask for your evidence. When you cannot provide it, they snob you and use you as an theoretical exhibit of ignorance. If you tell scientists that the likes of Newton and Einstein are fraudulent and foolish, will scientists declare jihad on you? Will they tell you “how dare you talk about a prophet of science that way?”

Atheism: if you tell an atheist he is a fool and he’ll burn in your flames of celestial conburstion, will he stab you to death screaming “Atheism akbar?” He will return the favor and explain how you are stupid for thinking there is an imaginary bearded man in the sky, using science, philosophy and facts to put your delusions on the right trajectory. Will he scream blasphemy?

Yes of course he can be arrogant and that is because nothing is so irritating like confidence in conscientious stupidity. But his aggression doesn’t cross the borders of ridiculing your egg emotions and tendering uncomfortable words into your ears. That is how far he accused arrogance can go.

Given the above submissions, I’m sure your religion and celestial ideology is peaceful, tolerant, evidential, and implores good sportmanship to scrutiny and ridicule. It must be better than science and atheism, right?

By Imoh “Son of David”

How To Make Me Repent

For a while I’ve been battling with the patience of containing this camel brigadier on my blackberry messenger list.

I have given up trying to figure out my tolerance operandi and the elasticity of my patience. Many a times I explode over something that I’ve condoned with a miraculous over-bearing warmth. And in another scenario where I should naturally not withold my contempt, the spirit of good social sportsmanship possesses me, that I become dumb-founded such that I cannot lay hold of an ounce of provocation to excuse pouncing on my assailant. My emotions require the comprehension of an atomic-physicist, so I give up studying her; Atomic Physics is not this Son of David’s playground. I pass.

This Camel brigade chap has been on my bbm list to torture my stoic spirits. “With what?” If you may inquire. With the recitation of his buy-bull fancies. The muslim religitard who apparently got my BB pin from my profile added me on bbm to convert me to his Arabian sky-team. Chai!

An adult homosapien after weighing this Son of David from hair-to-toe convinces his cripple intuition that he can talk me into patronizing the literature of a fashionable desert schizo. Is it possible that someone can convince himself that he can sell the monkhood of buddhism to Bishop Oyedepo or T.D Jakes? There are people who think they can somehow miraculously reason with a wild lion in the bush to eat grass.

Quietly ignoring his consistent messages, was my act, but it did no good in passing a message into the skull of this adult. My silence was broke when this camel brigadier told me I’ll be rewarded with 72 virgins in the sky. That was an abuse on my cognition, I could not ignore this one garbage.

First of all, I do not like virgins. Nowhere! Luckily for me, I’ve never met one and I desire not to meet any in bed. I am not a babysitter. I do not possess the aptitude skills of a high school teacher. I am not a virgin, I need not one either. I do not wish to abuse my bed with melancholic partners. Science is yet to invent an “unfuck” button. I cannot deal with the torture of bloody novices in an art of intense demand of satisfaction.

Finally, to realize that I found no respect in the eyes of this man with his attempt to lure me, a whole Imoh with a childish sermon of celestial pussy is a big insult on my senses. Of all incentives, this camel clan religitard found it convincing that the one which will appeal to my lust are the imaginary thighs of padlocked hijab vessels. Damn!

If I have 99 problems, pussy ain’t one and heaven is out of the chronology. If you want to sell me your tripe and want to convert me to your sky-band, offer me money. I am not stupid to the level of doing some imaginary celestial commerce. Say to me “Imoh I’m offering you 1 million dollars to believe there is an invisible turban-wearing Arabian genie in the cosmos for 30 days”, and I’ll believe you sincerely for just 30 days. But you can extend the contract of celestial patronage if you can afford the cost of my faith.

However, I am not sure anyone will want to throw that sum of money into the coffers of one single spoilt “kafir”.
If you cannot afford such exhorbitant commerce, then don’t bother selling me any hogwash to me cos I’ll I won’t buy it and I’ll hurt your celestial feelings in turn.

As for the camel brigade religitard, if you are wondering how I dealt with his irritation: well, I simply applied the “religitardicide” and that is: offending and insulting their imaginary sky-genie. They’ll simply delete themselves unbehalf of the offense poured on God.

By Imoh “Son of David”

Nigerian Churches and Their Individual Madness Pt 1: Christ Embassy aka Believers Loveworld

Believers love world aka Christ Embassy Church; they are my favorite clan of all the Nigerian Christian blocs.

If you are no stranger to these Christians, you’ll definitely agree that there is no funeral spirit around these guys. They are just one hell of a sui generis in the skydaddy bandwagon.

Attend one of their services, I assure you there is no house of bedlam like the Christ Embassy church service. I call it a beautiful absurdity; an orgasmic show of religious fascism at its best. Nobody, I say it again: Nobody does the mental fascism thing better than the Christ Embassy bunch. It is so enviable that I had to dedicate my biro to this.

First of all, a moment of silence for a Christ embassy brother somewhere, applying Gel and hair relaxer on his head. Right now as you read this, an adult male somewhere is partaking in some form of fascist cosmetics in order to come close in appearance to his venerated Pastor Chris Onyakhilome; their idol of a general overseer. I heard if you are an adult male in the crew and you haven’t applied some gel and hair relaxer, then you are novice. The sisters, droll for the brother who speaks, looks and act Pastor Chris.

To the fellas: Is there any Christ Embassy female you are wooing and she is not giving in? Now, take my generous advice to the Casino:

Go get your hair some laxative product, practice some Pastor Chris accent and then memorize his fuzzy lines. Get a clean white suit. Learn to technically use words like “Zoe”, “Rhapsody”, “Grace”, “Different”, etc. Most importantly, spew your garbage very beautifully; you know that soft-madness they call “Speaking-in-tongues”? Get it right.

So you walk-up to your “Embassy” sister target with your curly hair, a pastor Chris smile on a white suit and of course amble graciously like the venerated idol, and then begin with the Chris accent:

“Hey sister, you are the “Zoe” of the year, the prophecy of the century; the one who Isaiah spoke about. You are the Rhapsody of our time, for the Grace of your beauty shall make nations fall at thy feet. Because of the supernatural auction of the word on you, you shall suck the breast of Kings and become the envy of nations. All things are mine in the holy ghost; I speak you into my bedroom lapasantrakado! Pepelepekendato! Meme suntafantakando!” And boom! It is done. Lest I forget, be sure to have Pastor Chris’ posters in your apartment, use it for your mobile wallpaper. Play Pastor Chris sermons and some Sinach’s music in your car stereo. Be 100% “Christic” and I swear she’ll be in between the sheets performing the holy ghost show.

Ever attended a Christ Embassy service and listen to their sermon? If the preacher is to preach for 60 minutes; 40 minutes of sermons goes this way: “Pastor Chris says….”, “pastor Chris once said…”, “I remember when Pastor Chris talked about…”, “I learned from pastor Chris that….” Etc. The remaining 20 minutes will be dedicated to motivational lines and rhetorics like “You are different!” “You are the salt of the earth”, “where men fail, you shall succeed”, “Let the world see the excellence in you”, etc. And most importantly the organizational soft-madness called “Speaking-in-tongues”, is never missing in action. Christ embassy has remixed their with version like “holyghost laughter”, “Holyghost worship”, etc. If you’re bored on a sunday morning, just visit a branch and see the beauty of organizational mental fascism.

One thing that seduces me about them is their holy secularism. In this christian sect, there little discrimination on the appearance of a person. Wear dreadlocks, tattoos, mini-skirts, low-waist jeans, sagging pants or even walk into their auditorium with a bikini, nobody cares. “To the pure, all things are pure”, they say. Their open-arms to all is unequal; Pastor Chris is not a limited minded pastorpreneur. I’m so inspired!

Yes, business man I say. Don’t kill me dear pastor “Christists”. Isn’t the gospel a business? The biblical Jesus once called it “my father’s business”, do not crucify my garrulous ass please. I know you all can catch a grenade for Pastor Chris and throw same for him. I pledge allegiance!

The Christ Embassy clan are the most intelligent and creative of all the Christian sects in Nigeria. An average Christ embassy churchgoer is more tolerant, open-minded and creative than their skyband counterparts in Nigeria.

They have a way of making their shit sound intelligent by applying some fancy verbiages and pseudo-philosophical rhetoric to sound nice. But shit is shit no matter how hard you try to package it in a beautiful bag. Once you open it up, it still greets your nose with it’s reputable reception.

By Imoh “Son of David”

Sister Spiritual aka SHEpocrite

My friend, Oto, a great guy he is. In him I find a cossetting company. Like gravity, his sense of humor never fails in its duty. There is no iota of boredom around this guy. A “BORETICIDE”, I label him.

He has this religitard girl for a neighbor. You know the type that utters “kabasantraba!” When spitting to sky-daddy; yeah that lil madness they call “Speaking-In-Tongues”. She does it and her neighors know her for this holy absurdity. As we know, in my country Nigeria, it is an act of persecution to call a religitard to social decorum. Telling your enthusiastic sky-band neighbor to curtail their incongruity in this part of the world means you’re an anti-christ. As such, everyone patronizes the art of pretense of tolerance of discomfort. It’s better that way than being labeled an “agent of satan” and an “enemy of God”. So, she is allowed to deafen the comfort of everyone.

Once, Oto and I returned from a traditional nuptial late at night. Against my choice, I had to pass the night in his place. That was how this Son of David witnessed the show of the inane: “Kabasantrabako”, “Lepepesuntata”, “memekintabinta”, etc every senseless gamble of incongrous twaddle was fed into my ears during my brief passage of time at Oto’s Place by this so called spiritual sister.

And this Son of David right here wept! I wept over Oto’s comfort and sanity. Oto, unlike me was unconcerned with my pity over his predicament, which he was already accustomed to.

Oto, a passive Christian he is. Neither a church or a preacher has seen his coin and feet in a decade. But ask him; “I am a Christian”, he will surely declare. But a bible, he knows not what object is. A very funny character he is.

True to Oto’s prediction, she came knocking on his door after retiring from her incongrous utterance in her flat. Since I was the stranger at home with Oto, she left briefly.

“What did she come to do in your place?” I asked Oto. “To continue the remaining speaking-in-tongues in my bed, of course”, Oto said. It was then I understood where Oto’s comfort came from. After she is done with round one in her flat, Round 2 takes place in Oto’s bedroom. Oto’s dangling “Holy-Ghost” between his legs is the next sought after anointing that keeps her “tonguing”.

“Oh God! I’m coming!”, “Jesus! Ah ah ah ah ah”, she screams when touched by Oto’s “Holy-Ghost”. It seems the more religitard they are, they more religious they’ll be in bed; always calling on God and the high members of the sky council to witness the dramatis erotica. Taking your imaginary colleagues to the bedroom is the height of loyalty and the chief of all passions.

Oto is not the type of guy you’ll wish to do your girlfriend, wife or sister. His “Holy-Ghost” will go toe-to-toe with that of an award winning porno actor. He nails the “spiritual” sister to the cross; how can she ever reject such a salvation, Hallelujah!!

My ears were saturated by Oto’s raunchy tales and adventures with his spiritual neighbor. We laughed all through the night until sleep came calling.

Early the next morning, I was pressured by Oto to stay for breakfast. Sister Spiritual came and she began preparing the breakfast. Quietly minding my business which was the TV screen, Sister Spiritual came at me: “what church do you attend?” “I don’t go to church”, I answered, while minding the screen in front of me. “That is bad!” She exclaimed softly “Why would you not go to church?” “I am not a christian”, I replied, still minding the TV in front of me. “Then what are you?” “I am an atheist”, I bailed her.

“You’re what!” She exclaimed like she saw blood. “You mean you don’t believe in God?!” I nodded quietly, still facing the TV. “You should ask God for forgiveness”, she continued, “sinners would not go to heaven. You better repent before it is too late. Don’t play with the wrath of God!” Meanwhile, Oto was quietly observing the scenario with a smile.

Turning from the TV and looking her in the eyes: “So if I speak-in-tongues in my flat and then later on continue the round two in my neighbor’s bed with my legs in the air, it must mean I’m a righteous person, and I’ll certainly make heaven, right?” I asked. “Don’t worry sister spiritual, I’ll give my life to Christ like you and then I’ll move in to the other flat. So that after you’re touched by Mr A’s Holy Ghost, you can also come experience another level of anointing by this Son of David. After all we’ll still make heaven, wouldn’t we? ”

The room was quiet but was interrupted by the aroma of the burnt breakfast in the kitchen.

“Memoirs of A”Badt” Guy” by Imoh “Son of David”.