Sister Spiritual aka SHEpocrite

My friend, Oto, a great guy he is. In him I find a cossetting company. Like gravity, his sense of humor never fails in its duty. There is no iota of boredom around this guy. A “BORETICIDE”, I label him.

He has this religitard girl for a neighbor. You know the type that utters “kabasantraba!” When spitting to sky-daddy; yeah that lil madness they call “Speaking-In-Tongues”. She does it and her neighors know her for this holy absurdity. As we know, in my country Nigeria, it is an act of persecution to call a religitard to social decorum. Telling your enthusiastic sky-band neighbor to curtail their incongruity in this part of the world means you’re an anti-christ. As such, everyone patronizes the art of pretense of tolerance of discomfort. It’s better that way than being labeled an “agent of satan” and an “enemy of God”. So, she is allowed to deafen the comfort of everyone.

Once, Oto and I returned from a traditional nuptial late at night. Against my choice, I had to pass the night in his place. That was how this Son of David witnessed the show of the inane: “Kabasantrabako”, “Lepepesuntata”, “memekintabinta”, etc every senseless gamble of incongrous twaddle was fed into my ears during my brief passage of time at Oto’s Place by this so called spiritual sister.

And this Son of David right here wept! I wept over Oto’s comfort and sanity. Oto, unlike me was unconcerned with my pity over his predicament, which he was already accustomed to.

Oto, a passive Christian he is. Neither a church or a preacher has seen his coin and feet in a decade. But ask him; “I am a Christian”, he will surely declare. But a bible, he knows not what object is. A very funny character he is.

True to Oto’s prediction, she came knocking on his door after retiring from her incongrous utterance in her flat. Since I was the stranger at home with Oto, she left briefly.

“What did she come to do in your place?” I asked Oto. “To continue the remaining speaking-in-tongues in my bed, of course”, Oto said. It was then I understood where Oto’s comfort came from. After she is done with round one in her flat, Round 2 takes place in Oto’s bedroom. Oto’s dangling “Holy-Ghost” between his legs is the next sought after anointing that keeps her “tonguing”.

“Oh God! I’m coming!”, “Jesus! Ah ah ah ah ah”, she screams when touched by Oto’s “Holy-Ghost”. It seems the more religitard they are, they more religious they’ll be in bed; always calling on God and the high members of the sky council to witness the dramatis erotica. Taking your imaginary colleagues to the bedroom is the height of loyalty and the chief of all passions.

Oto is not the type of guy you’ll wish to do your girlfriend, wife or sister. His “Holy-Ghost” will go toe-to-toe with that of an award winning porno actor. He nails the “spiritual” sister to the cross; how can she ever reject such a salvation, Hallelujah!!

My ears were saturated by Oto’s raunchy tales and adventures with his spiritual neighbor. We laughed all through the night until sleep came calling.

Early the next morning, I was pressured by Oto to stay for breakfast. Sister Spiritual came and she began preparing the breakfast. Quietly minding my business which was the TV screen, Sister Spiritual came at me: “what church do you attend?” “I don’t go to church”, I answered, while minding the screen in front of me. “That is bad!” She exclaimed softly “Why would you not go to church?” “I am not a christian”, I replied, still minding the TV in front of me. “Then what are you?” “I am an atheist”, I bailed her.

“You’re what!” She exclaimed like she saw blood. “You mean you don’t believe in God?!” I nodded quietly, still facing the TV. “You should ask God for forgiveness”, she continued, “sinners would not go to heaven. You better repent before it is too late. Don’t play with the wrath of God!” Meanwhile, Oto was quietly observing the scenario with a smile.

Turning from the TV and looking her in the eyes: “So if I speak-in-tongues in my flat and then later on continue the round two in my neighbor’s bed with my legs in the air, it must mean I’m a righteous person, and I’ll certainly make heaven, right?” I asked. “Don’t worry sister spiritual, I’ll give my life to Christ like you and then I’ll move in to the other flat. So that after you’re touched by Mr A’s Holy Ghost, you can also come experience another level of anointing by this Son of David. After all we’ll still make heaven, wouldn’t we? ”

The room was quiet but was interrupted by the aroma of the burnt breakfast in the kitchen.

“Memoirs of A”Badt” Guy” by Imoh “Son of David”.

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