T. “BRIBE” Joshua: Casting out Demons with 50,000 Naira

Twitter: @ImohDavid

Emmanuel! *The congregation answers ‘God with us’*

Brethren, I have a testimony to share:

I went to the Synagogue Church for deliverance. As the Prophet was laying hands on people, when it came to my turn, I began manifesting and the following ensued-

T.B: You demon, out of him now! Show yourself! Who are you?

Me: *groaning like an Ibo Nkita* hahaha, they call me strong man.

T.B: Speak out! Let me hear you! What kind of spirit are you?

Me: *shaking head like an imbecile* I am the spirit of talkative or should I say “writative”. Call me spiritual ‘amebo’!

T.B: What have you done with him?! Speak out and don’t waste my time!

Me: I make him write and write and amebo with his pen.

T.B: What and what have you made him to write about?

Me: Pastorpreneurs, polithiefcians, pulpitarians, churchdustry, Men of con, sorry men of God. And very soon he will write about you and the collapsed building. Hahahaha

T.B: You foul spirit, I command you out! Out! Out! Out right now!

Me: *interrupts T.B* The kind of spirit I be, anointing water, casting and binding no dey move am oh! In case you don’t know, I have written everything and finished. It is only remaining for me to press the “send” button on my mobile.

T.B: In the name Jesus, take this 50,000 naira and forget about writing the story.

Just when I was about to stretch my hands and collect the brown envelop, I was woken up by a loud noise from a “strange aircraft” that passed over my building.

However, the building did not collapse and I live not very far from the South African air-force base. Air-force planes fly over my apartment building everyday but it has never collapsed. Oh! Silly me! What do I know? The plane that flew over T. Bribe Joshua’s building was a “strange aircraft”, while the ones that fly over my apartment building is an air-force aircraft. The “strange aircraft” can fall buildings without dropping bombs. Okay, I get it now.

If I was T.B Joshua I would ask God why he will be showing match scores and predictions to me that cannot save anyone’s life but he (Sky-Baba) cannot or will not show me an impending building collapse in my backyard that would have probably saved lives. Sorry, asking question is a blasphemy in religion, no wonder God does not speak to people like me. I pass. Religious people…. *sigh*

I do wonder how the strange aircraft flew miles past several buildings but on getting to T.B’s building, it suddenly caused the building to fall. Silly me; What did I just ask? That is why it’s called a strange aircraft in the first instance and above all, it’s an imaginary aircraft. What else was one expecting from the sole proprietor of spirits and demons in Nigeria?

A standing ovation for the one icon that single handedly introduced the market of spirits and demons into the churchdustry: Water spirit, fire spirit, plastic spirit, spirit of accident, spirit of malaria, spirit of ebola, spirit of menstruation, spirit of subsidy, spirit of PDP, spirit of rigging and just recently, the spirit of strange aircrafts. When the spirit of strange aircraft came, the spirit of bribery was born but however, the spirit of Nicholas Ibekwe manifested a spirit of audio. *In Don Jazzy’s voice* DoroSpirits, DoroT.B, DoroBribeThePress with 50,000 naira but DoroNicholasIbekwe come be bad market wey born Doroaudio. Chai DoroWantMyShare.

So profitable is the business of spirits that the anointing water was invented. That tiny bottle of water which cannot quench the thirst of an ant is given out freely for the sum of 5,000 naira. It is not for sale oh! You only have to buy a DVD of 5,000 naira to have the FREE bottle of water. Out of Jealousy, the Aba and Onitsha boys could not allow the man in the Synagogue to enjoy the MUMUpoly all by himself. They quickly invented their pirated T.B water. At least he has given the Aba/Onitsha boys something to eat. Well, it was short-lived because the greedy Aba/Onitsha boys were not paying their tithes and taxes to their host. T.B smartly invented a new one and repackaged it completely different. And so, the Aba/Onitsha boys who had a warehouse filled with the old annointing water lost this one (for now). T.B Joshua 1 – Aba/Onitsha pirates 0. Churchdustry indeed!

I am using this opportunity to announce to all that I am a Man of God. Man of God not “Gun” please; I have no intention of flying weapons in my private jet. I only desire to commit crimes and get away and then blame imaginary enemies or is it spirits they call it? I’m just confused here. I heard firstly that Boko Haram and “the enemies” were responsible and later on it was a “strange aircraft” and I’m sure many more imaginary suspects will be supplied. The title of Man of God will give me the leverage to disrespect the intelligence of people and do just about anything and not be bothered about being brought to book.

I understand that the Lagos State Commissioner for Physical planning addressed the press that the church’s structure was upgraded from 4 to 6 storeys without approval. I guess it was the “strange aircraft” that caused the church and T.B to engage in such deliberate disregard of the law. Maybe we should call it “Spirit of disobedience against building planning.” So this Spirit caused them to raise a structure originally approved for 4 storeys to 6 so that she can now invite her colleague “Strange aircraft” to bring down the building. Isn’t the story so awesome? So intelligent and convincing that our President had to order for an investigation on the “strange aircraft”. I think he should equally set-up a committee on “strange aircrafts and spirits” to investigate these spirits.

Our President did not visit the Chibok community, not until so much pressure and taunting that he sent for the parents of the kidnapped Chibok girls to visit him in Abuja. Now, T.B Joshua’s church collapsed, he hurriedly ran to the site in Lagos. National priority! Thumbs up to the oga ontop! The last building that collapsed in Lagos, did he visit the site? T.B Joshua’s building is a bigger calamity to the President’s feet than the kidnapped 200 Chibok girls. Whose property again was used to buy weapons in South-Africa? A priest and a friend of Aso rock also? I think we should waste no time in anointing our President a priest. Our Commander-in-“PRIEST”, we hail thee! The President of the US paid a surprised visit to the American troops in Afghanistan, the UK Prime minister did same and the German Chancellor demonstrated same. They did this to boost the morale of their troops in Afghanistan. But our Commander-in-“Priest” would rather visit the crash site of the property of a priest to boost the morale of a priest rather than Chibok or Maiduguri to boost the morale of the Nigerian troops doing a serious job for the nation. Espirit de corps! The theocracy of the Religious State of Nigeria.

The rest of the world must be considering us very reasonable and intelligent. What a bright future we have! Our government officials are full of vision. What is it they ranked us again? The 7th nation with people living with the lowest IQ. Don’t mind them, they are jealous of our sense of reasoning and the brilliance of our leaders; what do they know? Can’t they see that our reasoning have brought us so much development? The only country in the world where spirits and demons are responsible for everything and anything.

I am just curious; if someone should build a structure that is not approved by the government, has he committed a crime? And then also, if that structure which was not approved turns-out to kill people, is it also a crime? Well, in Nigeria, the victims of negligence and disregard of the law by a church are called matyrs and the Priest is called a victim of strange aircraft attack. Good people, great nation!

Do you still have lawyers and a law in Nigeria? What am I even asking, he is a man of God “Let God be the judge”. If he likes, let him take actions that will kill all of us, it is ONLY God that will judge not man. Because of that, I am officially a man of God and I’ll be building structures as I please whether the government approves of it or not, after all it is only God that will and can judge me in my intention to make “matyrs” of the dead from my flagrant disregard of the law. The rule of law and the courts are for the animals of God. Can we all become men of God and enjoy this territorial immunity? That we might seize to pay taxes, commit actions of negligence, defraud the animals of God and get away with it. Whoever that complains and talks about my excesses as a man of God, he is an agent of satan and a pilot of “strange aircrafts”; theocracy! Nigerians, you are a civilized nation of rule of law, an enviable example to the rest of the world. Giant of Africa, you are, very truly.

Some folks are complaining and barking that T. Bribe Joshua offered bribe to journalists in other to kill the stories of his negligence which eventually caused the death of many. Well, as a man of Con sorry God, he is doing what is scriptural. It is written in Proverbs 17:8 (ESV):

“A bribe is like a magic stone in the eyes of the one who gives it; wherever he turns he prospers.”

We have too many criminals on the pulpit in Nigeria that should be having a date behind bars. We are just protecting, babysitting and encouraging them to be more criminal. And yet we wonder why we cannot grow? How can a nation where criminals are defended by the very people they are robbing ever grow? What you excuse and permit will always continue. Stocholms syndrome at its best that Nigerians suffer from. Every country deserves the woes that befall them. I repeat, Nigerians, check-mate your priests and polithiefcians.

I leave you with this quote by Thomas Jefferson a founding father of the United States:

“In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. It is error alone that needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself.”

~Thomas Jefferson, in a letter to Horatio Spofford, 1814

By Imoh “Son of David”

Nigerian Preachers: The Demons Bewitching Nigerians.

By Imoh David-twitter: @ImohDavid

In Nigeria, there are four rams, sorry arms of government: the ExecuTHIEVES, legislathieves, JUJUciary and the unofficially declared Priesthieves. All of them together make a clown out of our nation. They work unanimously in looting, defrauding, abusing and shaming the Nigerian citizens and the state in general. If they disagree between themselves they are merely aggrieved on who is having the biggest loot of the day, or how the man in charge goes about his looting and not because they wish to do anything better for the nation. In those days, we use to have the “Milithieves” but most of them decamped into executhieves since the era of “milithievery” was over.

The priesthieves are the unofficial arm of government in Nigeria. In Nigeria, we have the Aso Rock, National Assembly, the courts of Justice and finally CAN as the citadel that houses our officials. As a Nigerian of this age, if you do not know, please be informed that CAN is now an arm of the government that we have refused to recognize and acknowledge. What else can I say? If it is not an arm of government and the members (who are priests) are not senior government officials, how come they have security details with the size of that of state governors and their properties like private jets are used in the interest of national security like importing weapons unbehalf of the state for our protection? CAN even knows the sponsors of Boko Haram and the security chiefs do not know. Awesome!

In Nigeria, priests are given military protection and riot police personnels for theirs escorts; which other nation in the world practices this type of absurdity? Aren’t we so brilliant? We have nothing tangible to make use of our security personnels other than converting them to errand details of some men with the fraudulent title of “men of God”. We should be proud of our achievements. These men must be contributing so much to our national GDP.

What a nation puts so importance on defines and shapes her future. In the saner climes of planet earth, the government protect scientists, economists, policy makers and inventors. In those places priests are as useful a skate-board to an ijebu man. And we are still wondering why those nations are doing better than us? In those saner climes, when politicians are about to go for elections, they attach themselves to economists and policy makers that will develop seducing policies that they can appeal to the voters. But here, what does our politicians do? They kneel before priests so that we are convinced they have common sense. Like citizens, like their rulers. Every country deserves the type of leaders they have. Leaders are merely the manifestation of the mass intelligence and sentiments of a geographical clime. We should be proud of our sense of judgment and intelligence.

An average Nigerian who is likely highly religious is more concerned by the newspaper headline that reads “Pastor Adeboye prays for the President” than the one which reads “The President budgets 50 billion naira for education”. The later headline is lesser of an appeal to the average Nigerian. The religious Nigerian is of the cognition that once a man calls himself “Man of God”, it automatically makes him above the law, socially immune to discussion and criticism, and no matter what he is found guilty of he is certainly right. This is a blessing to the polithiefcian and the pastorpreneurs; they partner in looting the masses and continually aim to reduce their sense of reasoning.

Even in the days of old, Priests were of no good to anyone. Even the biblical Jesus disliked them. Unknown to the religious Nigerians, the character called Jesus was a rebel and not some gentle man. He disliked priests passionately. He fought for the poor and the oppressed and not be taking sides with corrupt politicians to milk the masses and that is why they killed the man. If Jesus was in bed with politicians of his time like how CAN romances with the government, who would have killed him? It was the Priests and politicians that conspired and killed Jesus in the bible. There is nowhere that Jesus spoke highly of Priests. He specifically called them “Brood of vipers”, “Deceitful people”, thieves, lying tongues, hypocrites, etc. who impoverish the people and take their moneys. This is what drove the man mad at the temple where he whipped all of them that were engaging in trade. Do you think that your pastorpreneur will not whipped by Jesus if he met them in Nigeria? He’ll set their private jets ablaze and burn their exorbitant schools down.

If he were to be a Nigerian in this age, Nigerian pastors and Nigerian Christian will hate him. And this is why: if you speak ill of pastors, the religious Nigerian will hate you whether or not you say the truth. In short they do not want to hear anything truthful. Just lie to them and tell them what they want to hear and they’ll call you man of God. Nigerian pastors will have hated Jesus if he was a Nigerian living in this age because he would have spoilt their tithe business. Here is what Jesus said to Priests and tithes in the bible (Matthew 23:23):

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness….” I’m sure pastorpreneurs avoid reading passages like this to their sheeple.

Jesus spoke against injustice and defended the oppressed. Like the case of the woman accused of prostitution and wanted to be stoned to death- Jesus defended that poor woman. But in Nigeria, a man of Jesus slapped a poor woman for saying she “is a witch for Christ”. Let me ask you, would Jesus have slapped a woman for saying she is a witch for him? The man never slapped anyone, except for the truth he spoke against injustice. As a matter of Jesus was slapped by a priest in the bible just like how priests slap their sheeple.

John 18:22:

“When He had said this, one of the officers standing nearby struck Jesus, saying, “Is that the way You answer the high priest?”

Religious Nigerians would rather slap and fight another for speaking up against the fraud and lies perpetrated by pastorpreneurs like how Jesus was slapped by a religitard, saying how dare he speak to a priest that way. And this was Jesus’ response:

John 18: 23:

“If I said something wrong,” Jesus replied, “testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me?”

If you are worshiping a God that hates people that express themselves and particular speak the truth, something is wrong with both you and that your God. You cannot be claiming truth and banning scrutiny at the same time; you are a fraud. Dear Nigerians, wake up and hold your priests to ransom; they must come with clean hands!

By Imoh “Son of David”

Papa Ayo Oritsejafor: The Spoilt child of a Religious Nation.

The story goes like this:

The Nigerian government wanted some cache of weapons in South Africa and so they borrowed Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor’s private jet. Probably because the self-acclaimed giant of Africa could not find a befitting aircraft amongst her fleets of military planes to transport the intended weapons for them, not even among the 10 private jets in Presidential fleet. It is Ayo Oritsejafor’s private jet that was the best. Maybe it is because his Private Jet runs on holy engines and is flown by angels.

Meanwhile, Ayo Oritsejafor did not know that the government intended to use his jet to buy weapons. He leased his jet to a 2nd person and the 2nd person leased to the 3rd and then the 3rd to the 4th (who happens to be 2 be an agent of the government and an Israeli with 10 million dollars). I get it, the unknown Israeli man told our government that they should rather buy weapons from South-Africa instead of his country, Israel, because it is better for SA to take the money than Israel who supposedly makes better weapons. So generous of the Israeli. So Israelis buy weapons for us. Military experts from our country did not have to follow to inspect the weapons and the inventory. Beautiful!

Also, the South African government was unaware that the Nigerian government was coming to buy weapons in their country. In their shock, they seized the jet and the money. Well, buying arms is more or less like buying noodles. Buying arms is now an Akara and moi-moi trade. It is not a serious thing and so, any government can walk into another country without informing the host country that they intend buying weapons in their country. So, a foreign government can just walk into another country like that, buy weapons and then off they go. And this is how the government of Nigeria have been buying weapons since 1960? Terrific! Shebi na me wan born Nigerian.

The words of Napoleon Bonaparte read: “I am surrounded by priests who repeat incessantly that their kingdom is not of this world, and yet they lay their hands on everything they can get.” That was in the 18th century that Napoleon struck such an observation. I wonder what he would have said if he were to be in Nigeria this day and met our pulpitarians who venture from the Pulpit to politics and now arms dealing. I do wonder sometimes, who wears more necklace; Lil Wayne or Rapper Ayo, sorry Papa Ayo? The unhealthy romance between the pulpitarians and polithiefcians is the result of this national ridicule of arms deal in our face. The private jet of our rap-star priest is used by a functional government to ship arms into the state. Does it mean that our national budget is decided in some Priest’s bedroom? When some illegality and crime is committed by a Priest, the government swiftly jumps into action to claim participation. These days I do not know the difference between PDP and CAN; PDP leaders sound like preachers. When they want to steal our money whether at the National Assembly or at the Executive council meetings, they begin with the statement”Let Us Pray”. Anytime you hear them chorus “Let us pray”, just know that somebody is about to be robbed. Is this democracy or theocracy?

It is no news that Nigeria is a nation of religious puppets, but for it to get to the level where our defense apparatus is part of an estate of a priest, then we are gone! Bye bye to our senses. The connection between a priest and arms dealing is miraculous. The parallel between the pulpit and military wares is epic, maybe it was needed to fight Satan since the “die by fire” prayers was not enough. It is totally understood.

Our polithiefcians and legislooters will always be safe and encouraged so far our minds are controlled by the priests. The priest is to the polithiefcian what the river is to a crocodile. Polithiefcians and priests complement each other in fingering the masses of their treasuries and resources into their personal coffers. They are comfortable colleagues in the field of con and theft.

In nations where polithiefcians are brought to book for malfeasance, priests are as significant in that clime like what a plate of egusi is to a Chinese man. But in nations where priests are accorded the luxury of breeding, corruption becomes their breast-feeding mother. No other place in the world where Priests are of national importance like Nigeria. The average Nigerian’s understanding of worshiping God is worshiping any man that calls himself “Man of God.” If I were the President of Nigeria, I’ll simply appoint a preacher as my minister of information and Presidential spokesman. Any time they speak, Nigerians will simply believe even when they know its a lie they’ll simply chorus “Don’t question the man of God.”

Dear Nigerians, if you cannot confront your priests, you will condone your polithiefcians and your nation will forever remain clowned! Anything or anyone that is barred from scrutiny have been given the license to commit fraud and crime freely. If Amaechi’s Private Jet was the one caught in South Africa, would the story and accusations have been different? Oh! The government grounded Amaechi’s Jet. But yet still, can the federal government hire River’s State Jet to buy arms in South Africa? Yes of course they will do it when Amaechi adds the title of a Bishop to his name. Hiring rapper Ayo’s Private jet was just a random coincidence. National security, we hail thy brilliance. Very awesome I tell you.

On the other hand, 12 Nigerian Army officers are sentenced to death and found guilty of mutiny while their GOC was simply retired.

First of all, I never knew that a criminal trial can be this fast in Nigeria. This is the quickest criminal judgment. What happened to the trials of EFCC cases on corrupt politicians and former governors? Is it after our great-grand children will die of old age that they will deliver the judgment? My country is amazing! If you want something to arouse your irritation, look no further, just start discussing Nigeria.

So, these 12 brave soldiers who were starved of their funds including military weapons by the government, suffered an embarrassing defeat in the hands of terrorists and lost their colleagues alongside battle just because some greedy Generals refused to do their works, and they are now found guilty of mutiny because they protested against the corruption and treason perpetrated by their superior. When exposing a crime is treated like a crime, then you are ruled by criminals.

If a General should starve soldiers of their weapons and allowances isn’t he committing mutiny? Trying to compromise the morale of soldiers and arousing their disaffection through a calculated decision of refusing to arm them is a treason and a mutiny against the state. The end result of this is the encouragement of high level treason against the state. What manner of justice is this? Aren’t they telling those soldiers that it would have been better they betrayed the state and fought for terrorists instead? Soldiers who fought for the state against terrorists are now rewarded with a death sentence, because they were disatisfied by the compromise of their GOC against the state. Anyone who deliberately takes an action to undermine the victory of the State in the fight against an external threat has committed treason and is planning mutiny, not the other person who is protesting against the person trying to undermine the victory of the state.

What are they teaching people here? That the reward of some top Chief conspiring against the state by starving the agents of government is retirement while those who aim to bring to light this conspiracy are punished by death. We are awesome!

So people who fought to protect the nation at the cost of their lives are rewarded with death? They did not die by the hands of Boko Haram but rather in the hands of the same people they were fighting. What a gratitude! Wouldn’t it better if they were terrorists and got killed by the government than to be an agent of the government and then ended up being killed by the same government?

Isn’t it awesome that men who stole billions in Nigeria are yet to be sentenced behind bars and some were granted Presidential pardon but those who put their lives at stake in the field are being rewarded with the grand prize of the gallows? In Nigeria, those who launder money and import arms in their private jets are not guilty of mutiny. What a nation! Are we not telling ourselves and others that it is profitable to be a big thief than the one revolts against big thieves?

Kill corruption, don’t killed our soldiers. They are already suffering enough in the battle field because of the senseless partisan politicians and corrupt statesmen hungry for power, don’t make it any worse. Free our soldiers! Reward them, don’t ruin them.

By Imoh “Son of David”

The Nigerian Military Should Be Praised Day and Night

The Nigerian Military Should Be Praised Day and Night by Imoh David.

Twitter: @ImohDavid

An average Nigerian can attest that the Nigerian military is at its best when dealing with the ordinary civilian on the streets. The average Nigerian resident can narrate a story or two where he witnessed the display of khaki brutality on a harmless cotton. If you want to find-out how well trained and equipped your military is as a Nigerian, wear a camouflage mufty and head towards a van filled with Nigerian soldiers. You’ll experience true anointing and baptism.

Reputably known for making civilians do frog-jumps on the streets while kicking them in the butt or tearing their whips recklessly into a large crowd and commuters traffic just to make way for their military convoy which is known for ridiculing traffic wardens and beating traffic lights. Maybe obeying traffic or civil order is not part of the Nigerian military training , maybe…
But I am surprised however, how they do not fail to shower their military-styled discipline on civilians who beat traffic lights. How do they know that beating the traffic is wrong? I thought they do not even know what the traffic stands for since they may be no traffic lights in the barracks and might wondering why civilians are merely being “bloody” by lining up behind some fancy lights. But alas! They beat other people for doing as they do. Okay I get it; Khaki wants to be the legitimate law-breakers and the cottons are the bloody defaulters that must be punished. What else do you expect? Like banana-republic, like soldier.

The reputation of the Nigerian military is flawlessly embarrassing when it comes to human rights abuse. The US military did not fail to testify of this on their first attempt to work with them on the Chibok girls missions. So embarrassing it was that they had to announce to the world they cannot work with our military due to their oozing human rights practice.

When governor Akpabio of Akwa Ibom state first introduced the military into the streets of Akwa-Ibom around 2008, the ordinary citizens who never had an encounter with soldiers unlike the typical Lagosian, Port Hacourt or Kaduna residents, saw hell in the hands of these strangers on khaki. The Okada riders were top on the list. Soldiers will drag a grown man from his car and do him like how my High school proprietor use to do to us back in high school, simply because he was on his cell-phone while behind the wheel. There was one they beat-up a middle aged man for overtaking their convoy.

Afterwards, they graduated to women wearing trousers, and guess what they did to them? They were busy ripping their trousers off and exposing their undies. The soldiers who were mostly from the North and probably muslims saw these southern fashion as haram and of course they interpreted their own form of justice on the women. Women began editing their wardrobe; the fear of Khaki was beginning of deeper-life fashion in Akwa-Ibom at the time. Governor Akpabio quickly returned the social terrorists on Khaki to where they came from and Akwa-Ibom residents were happy ever after.

Isn’t it sad that the military became an antagonist to the Nigerain citizen? Men who are suppose to protect them from external harm became the internal parasites to them; who will police the soldiers against the civilian? Who will protect the man in cotton against the excesses of the men in khaki?

However, in times of Boko Haram as this, the military have been of great help and we can pretend that they were never brutal and excuse their civil vampirism as the resultant effect of the lack of combat engagement and the manifestation of a hunger to practice their militarism. Thus, when the desirable is unavailable, the available becomes the desirable. The lack of combat from an external threat must have inspired their frustration on the civilian. Let’s just create an excuse briefly, yes we know it is stupid to do so. We create an excuse (even though is stupid) to put the bitter memory of our relationship with our soldiers aside so as to at least encourage and thank them for their combative effort against this evil, Boko Haram.

The Nigerian military should be praised day and night. They may not be perfect but they are the only functional government body in Nigeria at the moment. I can do anything, but to pick up arms to fight for this country which has registered itself as the most unserious and clueless of humanoids on earth is a luxurious virtue for me. But for these guys (the Nigerian military) to do this; put their lives on the line and be willing to sacrifice the comfort of their families with the gift of sleepless nights and constant panic. They should be praised and adored for this.

The statues of our fallen soldiers in the war against Boko Haram should be erected in the public and museums, their names be written in gold and their families should be adopted by the state.

If all of them were like me, who will fight Boko Haram? Well, if all of them were like me, some people in this country will be disappeared and I will ensure that I’m not taking orders from clueless superiors! These guys are given crude tools and inferior weapons by the state and then sent into the war-front to be humiliated by the enemies of the state. In the news, it was reported at a time that their allowances are not paid to them. Who gets humiliated this way and then still choose to sacrifice for the same state that is starving them? How else do you describe true love and patriotism? These guys are the truest patriots of all. The rest of us (including this Son of David here) are all hypocrites and cosmetic patriots.

Take a look those clueless greedy chaps in the FCT; our legistlooters, excecuthieves, polithiefcians, THEFTnators, PINGnisters, grubnors and pastorpreneurs. Which of them can and will be willing to take up arms to fight for us? They are only patriotic in corruption and cluelessness. If the chips are down, all of them will disappear to their real countries; UK, US, Dubai, Sweden and wherever they steal our moneys to. Is it Farouk Lawal, Senator Chris Anyanwu in the National Assembly that will stay back and take arms? Or is it El-Rufai that will go to Chibok forest for us? Or Ayo Oritsejafor and the Northern Emirs that will die for us? They are even protecting themselves and their properties with the Nigerian military.

These so called preachers and national priests in CAN and the national Imams, they have private jets and before Boko Haram reaches their doorsteps, they are already in the air screaming Hallelujah. Some will be watching us in their mansions in London saying “Dia ris God o”. But our soldiers are in the field fighting and bleeding for us all to be safe. Likewise the SSS; we do not know what these men do for us in the secret. Gathering intel and trying to break into the ranks of the enemy and espionage is a very dangerous and suicidal job. They must be rewarded greatly than everyone else.

We must honor these men. They are truly patriots. Their families must not be forsaken. Their wives, their children, parents and siblings must be comforted. Their names should be reciting in the schools. They are heroes, they are Gods, they are truly selfless men and better than all of us.

Henceforth, when I see a Nigerian soldier, I’ll salute him with an earnest adoration.

By Imoh “Son of David”

Nigerian Churches and Their Individual Madness 4 – Household Church of God

Pastor Chris Okotie, divorcee par excellence, vocabulary confusionist, Casanova-in-the-Lord, Nigeria’s imaginary president, and debonair to the core. Whoever told Christians that they cannot marry more than one wife intentionally wanted to make the PIMPINGstry, sorry ministry difficult for Pastor Okotie. One busy-body said that divorce is to Okotie what Strike is to ASUU; some people with their foul mouth, they won’t mind their business.

The other day, I had this dream how I was on Frank Edoho’s hot seat of MTN’s who wants to be a millionaire TV show. In the dream, Frank Edoho asked this Son of David right here:
“Which of these mammals is Okotie likely to be if he was a four legged creature?”

A- Baboon
B- Dog
C- Both a and b
D- All of the above

Ignorant me, I did not know the answer, so I went for the “ask-the-audience”, lifeline. Before I could read the audience’s answers, my alarm clock woke me up. I wanted to go back and continue the dream, but as I closed my eyes, I had a dream that I was saved a divorced note. That is how I woke-up and sleep left me for one week. But thank goodness that as I was watching the First lady deliver a speech on TV, sleep suddenly tore our divorce papers. Dia ris miracle!

When I lived in Benin City, my neighbor Mama Osas, one day was boiling hot at his son, Osas. Trust Benin woman with her vex: “Your Papa no play geetar (the Benin accent of guitar). Me your Mama, Efe no play geeta, why you wan disgrace me turn geeta boy on top all the money wey I don spend for your matter for school?” “Mama na music me I wan do. It is my passion!” Osas defended. “If music finish leave you”, continued Mama Osas “wetin you go come do nkor?” It was there I interfered to appease Mama Osas’ fears: “Mama Osas, no worry, if music finish leave am him go resign go do pastor work”. Mama Osas, stubbornly pressed: “If preaching finish nkor?” “Mama preaching no dey finish o”, I argued, “you fit preach anything. But if preaching finish, you fit go contest for President talk say na God tell you say you go turn President. That wan no hard na, shooo!” The dissatisfied Mama Osas, pressed further: “If as pastor you talk say God say him go make you President then you come loose nkor?” “Mama Osas, hmmm”, I paused. “If you be pastor were contest for President come loose. Na him e be say your party na Fresh Democratic Party (FDP). Even God wey tell you say you go win go turn around vote PDP put for power.” Na just story I dey talk o before dem “Babatards” carry my matter like divorce matter.

Study has shown that a medical student would most likely finish his/her 7 year medical course, get a job and marry but Okotie will remain single. It went ahead to submit that the medical student will have a child who may grow up to meet Okotie single. I don’t even know who conducted this kind of amebo study and even had the nerve to tag it “the PromiscuOkotie report”. Is marriage by force? Doesn’t the bible say that each one is given his gift- to some the gift of marrying multiple times and then to others the gift of divorcing. We are not all the same, to each man his grace. I don’ know what it is with these people with marriage, after all Paul in the bible was an unmarried man. However, some researchers took the submission of this study very seriously that the subject was brought before T.B Joshua for counseling and deliverance and this is what transpired:

T. B Joshua: Explain yourself! You the spirit tormenting this vessel, show yourself! What kind of spirit are you?

[Doing what spirits normally do in the Synagogue cinema]

Okotie: I am a strong man.

T. B: What kind of Strong man are you? Speak up! What did you do to him?

Okotie: I am the spirit of singlehood, divorce and anti-marriage. I destroyed his marriage.

T.B: Don’t waste my time! How did you destroy his marriage?

Okotie: I made him to be speaking big, big grammar to his wife. His wife does not understand him; even in the room. You can also call me spirit of big grammar.

T. B: Give us an example, fast!

Okotie: Like one time, he took his wife to the room and said: “honey, I am experiencing some biological function which has led to an erection, and in order for me to satisfy this compulsion of the male humanoid extraction, I will have spread thee into a situation of fashionable dissection in order to make the budgetary allocation for my intended penetration. If you get me clearly, can I hear you say awhahaha?

T. B: What else have you done to him?
Okotie: I made him not to open his church branches in other places except Lagos.

T. B: Why is this so?

Okotie: haba! He is not even done with the women in Lagos, if I allow him to open a branch in a place like Calabar or Port-Harcourt, do you want him to die? T.B you sef, try think am now; if they kill him for me, who will I possess?

Another thing I do wonder about Okotie’s church is whether it is a church service or a potential site for assassination. I mean what the heck are those mean bodyguards and policemen doing around the altar? Is somebody planning to assassinate our dear preacher? That was how I attended the service sometime ago and out of fear of looking into the eyes of the mean guards, I dropped my wallet into the offering box and could not put my back in there to retrieve it out of fear of being mistaken as a security threat. “No be me dem go use learn work!” So I passed.

What happened to the protection from angels? I do not understand how men who claim they that are spokesmen of a being of omnipotent credential will rely on the fortresses and arms of men. Perhaps the angels are on strike and cannot protect him. I thought people who say they have a better place in heaven should be happy to welcome any situation that will arrange their transition to their celestial mansions. Probably they do not want meet their father heaven out of their plenty misdeeds or they do not even believe in the heaven they profess. Men who claim their kingdom is not of this world but have no intention of transcending to the kingdom they profess is theirs.

And they say I’m the unbeliever. I’m just speechless…….

By Imoh “Son of David”

Nigerian Churches and Their Individual Madness 3: Winners Chapel

Winners Chapel aka living faith Church is arguably the most successful merchandize from the pulpit. With so many great feats attached to the international merchandize- the largest church auditorium, the largest church worship in a single service, the richest preacher with the largest fleet of private jets and collections of exorbitant schools and of course the largest attraction of arrogant and pompous Christians in this part of the world. If you want to learn how to be an arrogant narcissist in the Lord, Winners Chapel is all you need for your schooling.

Papa Oyedepo as he is fondly addressed is the ultimate icon of pulpitarian glamour. The pastorpreneur of pastorpreneurs. The captain of “churchdustry”, the preacher which other preachers wish to be like and even more. The Alpha-priest with an uncanny anointing “extort- ordinaire.” So great is this anointing “extort-ordinaire” that the UK could not handle, and out of their colonial love and passion, they ensured our awesome product is contained in our territory. Can “oyinbo” (British people for that matter), be so nice and generous to the same people who they seek to control in the past? I’m just wondering why the UK will not return our stolen artifacts but will generously return our Papa without us even asking. Can anyone be this nice in returning a priced treasure to the owners at no cost? But anyway, thank you for giving us our Papa, you (oyinbo people) do not know anything that is good for you. We know, so, we keep him fed and fat.

That was how one “amebo” busybody colleague back then told me to my face that my Papa is an arrogant man and that he likes slapping people recklessly. He even had the nerve to mention “OLEdepo” into my ears! Aaaaah! I slapped the idiot! How can he talk rubbish about my Papa? Doesn’t he know that slapping and cursing was part of the curriculum my Papa received during his more than 12 hours of revelation before he began ministry? Don’t you know that he is a God of man, sorry Man of God and he can do whatever he likes? You people talk any how against my Papa; you will incur the wrath of God o! But it’s okay (sha) if my Papa acts anyhow, talks and slaps people as he pleases. He cannot incur the wrath of God because he is the God of man, sorry Man of God while you are an Animal of God. Besides, he is in a better position to decide for all of us who the wrath of God of wrath chooses; he knows God too well than the rest of us, sorry, God knows him to well than the rest of us. So leave the Man of God alone let him do as he pleases, let God be the judge not you! But if you talk anyhow, I’ll descend on you and judge you as I please, because you are just an Animal of God.

One thing I’ve been learned so much from my Papa is how to brag without bragging. Don’t you admire the way he puts it? “I say this with all amount of humility ‘my family and I can never be poor’, ‘I owe no man (either dead or alive) nothing’, etc.” I don’t know why he has to remind us before the statement that he is of a humble remark like somebody was accusing of him of not? This my Papa (sha) knows how to package o. It reminds me of some folks who automatically gets the liscence to insult you by beginning their insult with “I don’t mean to be rude or insult you…” It makes it so easy that whatever insult they shower afterwards will be covered under their earlier announced contract. Well, that one is worldly things, my Papa is just boasting in the Lord (whatever that means).

When I worked in the Ministry of education, my wicked Director one day asked me to recommend a good university for his Son who freshly left high school. Of course, Covenant University was the best revenge. I knew that his child will not last long there. True to my plans, he was expelled in his third year. What did the boy do? They said he had a porno video in his laptop. So they casted both the spirit of pornography and the boy out of the school. Hahaha! Chai God of my Papa you too sweet; you have taken revenge for my sake. Anytime you want to recommend a school for your enemy, think of Covenant University. Your ward is more likely to be expelled in Covenant university than any other higher institution in Nigeria. Isn’t it awesome that Covenant expels more students than the rest of other schools in Nigeria? Is it that all the bad students always go to covenant or covenant just likes to make students bad in other to expel them? It is only a question I am asking oo before somebody slaps me for being a “witch for Christ.”

My Papa is a living testimony that once you call yourself a man of God, you can do anything and get away. My Papa has this grace that even if he shoots a person point blank in the camera, the congregation will give him a standing ovation and we (the congregation) will not hesitate in joining him to shoot the poor victim and bury his corpse afterwards. What else can I say; we are showing the life of Christ and we are in fact the first candidates of heaven. Envy us we have “Papadiction”!

Winners church members are one hell of a sect. They do not mind emptying their purses into the coffers of the pastor even if that money is for the school fees for their ward. Insult them, say anything but don’t say anything against their Papa; they’ll kill you. The easiest way to offend and break any relationship with a Winners church member is to say something they perceive as annoying against their Papa. Even if it’s their sibling that criticizes their Papa, disowning such a “demonic” sibling is as easy as reciting psalms 23. Well, it is not just peculiar to them. Nigerians masses are so emotionally brilliant that they will rather get angry when their preachers are discussed but will never get angry when they are humiliated and robbed by their politicians. The average religious Nigerian will rather be concerned about who and what is said about their pastor than be concerned about the man who stole from the country’s treasury. If they put them side by side and asked to choose whom to stone, the religious Nigerian will rather choose the man who criticizes his religious leader to death and release the man who stole the country’s wealth.

My religious Nigerian folks amaze me. They know God so much that they can tell when he is angry and God is always angry when they are angry. The Nigerian God is the type who has a wrath to unleash when an animal of God talks about a man of God but will be merciful when a pastor messes up and above all, he does not desire judgment in this case. What else were you expecting from the most religious people on earth? Religious, but not genius

However, please don’t slap me for your Papa; I am not a “witch for Christ.”

By Imoh “Son of David”

Nigerian Churches and Their Individual Madness part 2: The Redeem Christian Church (RCCG)

Nigerian Christians and their madness 2: The Redeem Christian Church (RCCG)
By Imoh David- Twitter @ImohDavid

*In Pastor Adeboye’s voice* “Baba God says ‘there is somebody that will be overtaken by his anger after reading this….”

The RCCG is the fastest growing merchandize in Nigeria. Any vicinity in Nigeria without a RCCG structure is a Boko Haram territory. Besides potential conflict zones, the RCCG merchandize is just about everywhere in Nigeria including the bedroom of the oga in Aso Rock. This is to show that “Dia ris God oo”. The God of Daddy Adeboye is really a “Baba God”. A Baba of private jets, Bank CEO clients on EFCC lists, Oil magnets patronage, polithiefcians and most especially the man in Aso Rock.

Pastor Adeboye is one “pulpitarian” that seduces my grin. The icon well known for his echoes of “My Baba (God)”, has made me taken regret at my high school Maths class. Perhaps if I had continued, Baba God would have called me from the classroom to the pulpit. Adeboye has proven that once you tell a story that begins, ends and centres around “Baba God”, it can be believed by Nigerian Christians no matter how senseless and untrue it is.

The RCCG Christian clan in Nigeria is one Christian sect that can believe any story with the tag of “Baba (God).”
What else can I say? What is more marvelous than the fact that adults in the 21st century can believe a story that a man travelled from Benin to Lagos on an empty fuel tank? None of them saw it but someone claimed that some sky-Baba told him to travel that far without looking at his fuel gauge. Boom! Everyone believes.

Pastor Adeboye has reached the level where he can tell adults that he went for jogging in heaven before coming to mount the pulpit and the religious folks will believe. I am jealous. What can I smoke to reach the level where I can tell people stories and they’ll believe it to be true whether or not it is a lie?

But I do not understand why Baba God have not told Daddy Adeboye to do a crusade in the North in places like Jigawa, Yobe, Bauchi, Borno? Haba! Borno? That is too harsh now! Even Baba does not have such imaginations to send our Daddy to Maiduguri. Baba God (*in Adeboye’s voice*) is not interested in winning Boko Haram souls; he’ll rather concentrate in repeating same old message to people who have already heard it in Lagos and the South. Baba does not need the souls of terrorists and almajaris, so he’ll rather concern himself in giving his servant private jets, schools, offerings, tithes, etc. They are more important than the souls of Almajiris and boko haramists.

Isn’t it awesome that Baba could make a car drive without fuel from Benin to Lagos (Which nobody saw except Baba’s servant), but cannot use that same power to arrest boko haramists? Is it that somebody’s Baba cannot do that or somebody has refused to harken to that voice of Baba or perhaps somebody is afraid to come in contact with any incident that will send him to his Baba God? Hmmm, somebody is afraid to go and meet Baba. Well, it’s non of my business before his social bodyguards will “kee” me.

RCCG members is to Nigeria what Ebola is to Liberia; they are an epidemic. One thing about them; they do not fail to announce their presence. Their stickers always do the talking. “Redeem family” on their door posts, on the car, in the office and if it were possible to tattoo it on their forehead, they’ll do just that. Even the ones that are flying with their legs will tattoo it on their briefcases with faith that one day they’ll paste it on their cars.

These folks can believe anything. A typical Redeem member can believe that he can enter Dubai and automatically and then Baba will give him the ability to speak Arabic instantaneously so that a big firm will pay him in millions of dollars to translate Arabic to English for them overnight. It’s not their fault. When you believe that someone drove from Benin to Lagos on an empty fuel tank without seeing it, then you can believe anything.

The RCCG church service; well, I’ll give them a C. Unlike that of Christ Embassy which full of unending drama scenes, the RCCG service can put you to snoring. The ones in Lagos, I don’t know what’s with them with yoruba language and their yoruba talking drum. It was in RCCG that I knew there are Yoruba worship songs. I barely can handle Yoruba language let alone a yoruba worship song! Aaaaaah! Must I worship sky-Baba with a wide mouth?

A mathematician will always be a mathematician, even in the way he talks. Is it just me that notices that Adeboye speaks like he is trying to solve arithmetic without a calculator? It is good packaging though. For it is easier to seduce people on the pulpit when you appear and sound humble. Talking that way will never anger you to slap a poor woman for saying she is “a witch for Christ.” At least he is not temperamental like his Ota counterpart. Another good thing about talking that way is that it makes it so easy to go unnoticed that you are a lazy praying man.

Adeboye simply calls-out prayer topics and suffers the poor congregation to pray lengthy chew their hearts out and after that he ends it with a short line “My Baba says it is done” and they shout Amen! After all, they won’t call it laziness; it is an excuse for faith. If it was me that was praying that way they’ll say I do not have a spiritual life, since there is no Daddy or Papa attached to my name; I am jealous. On the other hand, why would you have to extend your prayers when you already have private jets and a Commander-in-Client? What do you want to pray for? Leave the prayer for the poor men to tear apart.

I want to make an appeal that the dear Daddy should refrain from praying and prophesying about national issues. The first time I heard him speak about national issue was when President Jonathan wanted to contest in 2011. He said Baba God will send good leaders to Nigeria and we ended up with President Goodluck Jonathan. If president GEJ is what Baba intended to send to us, all I can say is “Baba, you can do better than this.”

Few months before the subsidy removal he prayed that Baba will work on the country. Before we knew it, the President removed subsidy.

Again, he prayed and cursed Boko haram, few weeks later boko haram attacked Yobe schools and now Baba’s curse on Boko haram has led to Chibok tragedy and many more. When news broke that American soldeirs will be joining the Chibok pursuit, he said that Baba will cause the girls to be released soon. Baba must have a special kind of soon.

Whether or not Adeboye’s Baba functions, nobody asks questions because the Baba of Adeboye is true whether or not is false. Nobody questions Baba’s spokesman. I don’t know whether Adeboye is Baba or Baba is Adeboye. Because if Baba cannot be questioned and Adeboye too cannot be question, it means Baba and Adeboye are the same. Well, let me keep quiet “Babatards” will nail me for talking about Baba. Babacracy, you too sweet!

By Imoh “Son of David”