Nigerian Churches and Their Individual Madness part 2: The Redeem Christian Church (RCCG)

Nigerian Christians and their madness 2: The Redeem Christian Church (RCCG)
By Imoh David- Twitter @ImohDavid

*In Pastor Adeboye’s voice* “Baba God says ‘there is somebody that will be overtaken by his anger after reading this….”

The RCCG is the fastest growing merchandize in Nigeria. Any vicinity in Nigeria without a RCCG structure is a Boko Haram territory. Besides potential conflict zones, the RCCG merchandize is just about everywhere in Nigeria including the bedroom of the oga in Aso Rock. This is to show that “Dia ris God oo”. The God of Daddy Adeboye is really a “Baba God”. A Baba of private jets, Bank CEO clients on EFCC lists, Oil magnets patronage, polithiefcians and most especially the man in Aso Rock.

Pastor Adeboye is one “pulpitarian” that seduces my grin. The icon well known for his echoes of “My Baba (God)”, has made me taken regret at my high school Maths class. Perhaps if I had continued, Baba God would have called me from the classroom to the pulpit. Adeboye has proven that once you tell a story that begins, ends and centres around “Baba God”, it can be believed by Nigerian Christians no matter how senseless and untrue it is.

The RCCG Christian clan in Nigeria is one Christian sect that can believe any story with the tag of “Baba (God).”
What else can I say? What is more marvelous than the fact that adults in the 21st century can believe a story that a man travelled from Benin to Lagos on an empty fuel tank? None of them saw it but someone claimed that some sky-Baba told him to travel that far without looking at his fuel gauge. Boom! Everyone believes.

Pastor Adeboye has reached the level where he can tell adults that he went for jogging in heaven before coming to mount the pulpit and the religious folks will believe. I am jealous. What can I smoke to reach the level where I can tell people stories and they’ll believe it to be true whether or not it is a lie?

But I do not understand why Baba God have not told Daddy Adeboye to do a crusade in the North in places like Jigawa, Yobe, Bauchi, Borno? Haba! Borno? That is too harsh now! Even Baba does not have such imaginations to send our Daddy to Maiduguri. Baba God (*in Adeboye’s voice*) is not interested in winning Boko Haram souls; he’ll rather concentrate in repeating same old message to people who have already heard it in Lagos and the South. Baba does not need the souls of terrorists and almajaris, so he’ll rather concern himself in giving his servant private jets, schools, offerings, tithes, etc. They are more important than the souls of Almajiris and boko haramists.

Isn’t it awesome that Baba could make a car drive without fuel from Benin to Lagos (Which nobody saw except Baba’s servant), but cannot use that same power to arrest boko haramists? Is it that somebody’s Baba cannot do that or somebody has refused to harken to that voice of Baba or perhaps somebody is afraid to come in contact with any incident that will send him to his Baba God? Hmmm, somebody is afraid to go and meet Baba. Well, it’s non of my business before his social bodyguards will “kee” me.

RCCG members is to Nigeria what Ebola is to Liberia; they are an epidemic. One thing about them; they do not fail to announce their presence. Their stickers always do the talking. “Redeem family” on their door posts, on the car, in the office and if it were possible to tattoo it on their forehead, they’ll do just that. Even the ones that are flying with their legs will tattoo it on their briefcases with faith that one day they’ll paste it on their cars.

These folks can believe anything. A typical Redeem member can believe that he can enter Dubai and automatically and then Baba will give him the ability to speak Arabic instantaneously so that a big firm will pay him in millions of dollars to translate Arabic to English for them overnight. It’s not their fault. When you believe that someone drove from Benin to Lagos on an empty fuel tank without seeing it, then you can believe anything.

The RCCG church service; well, I’ll give them a C. Unlike that of Christ Embassy which full of unending drama scenes, the RCCG service can put you to snoring. The ones in Lagos, I don’t know what’s with them with yoruba language and their yoruba talking drum. It was in RCCG that I knew there are Yoruba worship songs. I barely can handle Yoruba language let alone a yoruba worship song! Aaaaaah! Must I worship sky-Baba with a wide mouth?

A mathematician will always be a mathematician, even in the way he talks. Is it just me that notices that Adeboye speaks like he is trying to solve arithmetic without a calculator? It is good packaging though. For it is easier to seduce people on the pulpit when you appear and sound humble. Talking that way will never anger you to slap a poor woman for saying she is “a witch for Christ.” At least he is not temperamental like his Ota counterpart. Another good thing about talking that way is that it makes it so easy to go unnoticed that you are a lazy praying man.

Adeboye simply calls-out prayer topics and suffers the poor congregation to pray lengthy chew their hearts out and after that he ends it with a short line “My Baba says it is done” and they shout Amen! After all, they won’t call it laziness; it is an excuse for faith. If it was me that was praying that way they’ll say I do not have a spiritual life, since there is no Daddy or Papa attached to my name; I am jealous. On the other hand, why would you have to extend your prayers when you already have private jets and a Commander-in-Client? What do you want to pray for? Leave the prayer for the poor men to tear apart.

I want to make an appeal that the dear Daddy should refrain from praying and prophesying about national issues. The first time I heard him speak about national issue was when President Jonathan wanted to contest in 2011. He said Baba God will send good leaders to Nigeria and we ended up with President Goodluck Jonathan. If president GEJ is what Baba intended to send to us, all I can say is “Baba, you can do better than this.”

Few months before the subsidy removal he prayed that Baba will work on the country. Before we knew it, the President removed subsidy.

Again, he prayed and cursed Boko haram, few weeks later boko haram attacked Yobe schools and now Baba’s curse on Boko haram has led to Chibok tragedy and many more. When news broke that American soldeirs will be joining the Chibok pursuit, he said that Baba will cause the girls to be released soon. Baba must have a special kind of soon.

Whether or not Adeboye’s Baba functions, nobody asks questions because the Baba of Adeboye is true whether or not is false. Nobody questions Baba’s spokesman. I don’t know whether Adeboye is Baba or Baba is Adeboye. Because if Baba cannot be questioned and Adeboye too cannot be question, it means Baba and Adeboye are the same. Well, let me keep quiet “Babatards” will nail me for talking about Baba. Babacracy, you too sweet!

By Imoh “Son of David”


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