Nigerian Churches and Their Individual Madness 3: Winners Chapel

Winners Chapel aka living faith Church is arguably the most successful merchandize from the pulpit. With so many great feats attached to the international merchandize- the largest church auditorium, the largest church worship in a single service, the richest preacher with the largest fleet of private jets and collections of exorbitant schools and of course the largest attraction of arrogant and pompous Christians in this part of the world. If you want to learn how to be an arrogant narcissist in the Lord, Winners Chapel is all you need for your schooling.

Papa Oyedepo as he is fondly addressed is the ultimate icon of pulpitarian glamour. The pastorpreneur of pastorpreneurs. The captain of “churchdustry”, the preacher which other preachers wish to be like and even more. The Alpha-priest with an uncanny anointing “extort- ordinaire.” So great is this anointing “extort-ordinaire” that the UK could not handle, and out of their colonial love and passion, they ensured our awesome product is contained in our territory. Can “oyinbo” (British people for that matter), be so nice and generous to the same people who they seek to control in the past? I’m just wondering why the UK will not return our stolen artifacts but will generously return our Papa without us even asking. Can anyone be this nice in returning a priced treasure to the owners at no cost? But anyway, thank you for giving us our Papa, you (oyinbo people) do not know anything that is good for you. We know, so, we keep him fed and fat.

That was how one “amebo” busybody colleague back then told me to my face that my Papa is an arrogant man and that he likes slapping people recklessly. He even had the nerve to mention “OLEdepo” into my ears! Aaaaah! I slapped the idiot! How can he talk rubbish about my Papa? Doesn’t he know that slapping and cursing was part of the curriculum my Papa received during his more than 12 hours of revelation before he began ministry? Don’t you know that he is a God of man, sorry Man of God and he can do whatever he likes? You people talk any how against my Papa; you will incur the wrath of God o! But it’s okay (sha) if my Papa acts anyhow, talks and slaps people as he pleases. He cannot incur the wrath of God because he is the God of man, sorry Man of God while you are an Animal of God. Besides, he is in a better position to decide for all of us who the wrath of God of wrath chooses; he knows God too well than the rest of us, sorry, God knows him to well than the rest of us. So leave the Man of God alone let him do as he pleases, let God be the judge not you! But if you talk anyhow, I’ll descend on you and judge you as I please, because you are just an Animal of God.

One thing I’ve been learned so much from my Papa is how to brag without bragging. Don’t you admire the way he puts it? “I say this with all amount of humility ‘my family and I can never be poor’, ‘I owe no man (either dead or alive) nothing’, etc.” I don’t know why he has to remind us before the statement that he is of a humble remark like somebody was accusing of him of not? This my Papa (sha) knows how to package o. It reminds me of some folks who automatically gets the liscence to insult you by beginning their insult with “I don’t mean to be rude or insult you…” It makes it so easy that whatever insult they shower afterwards will be covered under their earlier announced contract. Well, that one is worldly things, my Papa is just boasting in the Lord (whatever that means).

When I worked in the Ministry of education, my wicked Director one day asked me to recommend a good university for his Son who freshly left high school. Of course, Covenant University was the best revenge. I knew that his child will not last long there. True to my plans, he was expelled in his third year. What did the boy do? They said he had a porno video in his laptop. So they casted both the spirit of pornography and the boy out of the school. Hahaha! Chai God of my Papa you too sweet; you have taken revenge for my sake. Anytime you want to recommend a school for your enemy, think of Covenant University. Your ward is more likely to be expelled in Covenant university than any other higher institution in Nigeria. Isn’t it awesome that Covenant expels more students than the rest of other schools in Nigeria? Is it that all the bad students always go to covenant or covenant just likes to make students bad in other to expel them? It is only a question I am asking oo before somebody slaps me for being a “witch for Christ.”

My Papa is a living testimony that once you call yourself a man of God, you can do anything and get away. My Papa has this grace that even if he shoots a person point blank in the camera, the congregation will give him a standing ovation and we (the congregation) will not hesitate in joining him to shoot the poor victim and bury his corpse afterwards. What else can I say; we are showing the life of Christ and we are in fact the first candidates of heaven. Envy us we have “Papadiction”!

Winners church members are one hell of a sect. They do not mind emptying their purses into the coffers of the pastor even if that money is for the school fees for their ward. Insult them, say anything but don’t say anything against their Papa; they’ll kill you. The easiest way to offend and break any relationship with a Winners church member is to say something they perceive as annoying against their Papa. Even if it’s their sibling that criticizes their Papa, disowning such a “demonic” sibling is as easy as reciting psalms 23. Well, it is not just peculiar to them. Nigerians masses are so emotionally brilliant that they will rather get angry when their preachers are discussed but will never get angry when they are humiliated and robbed by their politicians. The average religious Nigerian will rather be concerned about who and what is said about their pastor than be concerned about the man who stole from the country’s treasury. If they put them side by side and asked to choose whom to stone, the religious Nigerian will rather choose the man who criticizes his religious leader to death and release the man who stole the country’s wealth.

My religious Nigerian folks amaze me. They know God so much that they can tell when he is angry and God is always angry when they are angry. The Nigerian God is the type who has a wrath to unleash when an animal of God talks about a man of God but will be merciful when a pastor messes up and above all, he does not desire judgment in this case. What else were you expecting from the most religious people on earth? Religious, but not genius

However, please don’t slap me for your Papa; I am not a “witch for Christ.”

By Imoh “Son of David”

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