Nigerian Churches and Their Individual Madness 4 – Household Church of God

Pastor Chris Okotie, divorcee par excellence, vocabulary confusionist, Casanova-in-the-Lord, Nigeria’s imaginary president, and debonair to the core. Whoever told Christians that they cannot marry more than one wife intentionally wanted to make the PIMPINGstry, sorry ministry difficult for Pastor Okotie. One busy-body said that divorce is to Okotie what Strike is to ASUU; some people with their foul mouth, they won’t mind their business.

The other day, I had this dream how I was on Frank Edoho’s hot seat of MTN’s who wants to be a millionaire TV show. In the dream, Frank Edoho asked this Son of David right here:
“Which of these mammals is Okotie likely to be if he was a four legged creature?”

A- Baboon
B- Dog
C- Both a and b
D- All of the above

Ignorant me, I did not know the answer, so I went for the “ask-the-audience”, lifeline. Before I could read the audience’s answers, my alarm clock woke me up. I wanted to go back and continue the dream, but as I closed my eyes, I had a dream that I was saved a divorced note. That is how I woke-up and sleep left me for one week. But thank goodness that as I was watching the First lady deliver a speech on TV, sleep suddenly tore our divorce papers. Dia ris miracle!

When I lived in Benin City, my neighbor Mama Osas, one day was boiling hot at his son, Osas. Trust Benin woman with her vex: “Your Papa no play geetar (the Benin accent of guitar). Me your Mama, Efe no play geeta, why you wan disgrace me turn geeta boy on top all the money wey I don spend for your matter for school?” “Mama na music me I wan do. It is my passion!” Osas defended. “If music finish leave you”, continued Mama Osas “wetin you go come do nkor?” It was there I interfered to appease Mama Osas’ fears: “Mama Osas, no worry, if music finish leave am him go resign go do pastor work”. Mama Osas, stubbornly pressed: “If preaching finish nkor?” “Mama preaching no dey finish o”, I argued, “you fit preach anything. But if preaching finish, you fit go contest for President talk say na God tell you say you go turn President. That wan no hard na, shooo!” The dissatisfied Mama Osas, pressed further: “If as pastor you talk say God say him go make you President then you come loose nkor?” “Mama Osas, hmmm”, I paused. “If you be pastor were contest for President come loose. Na him e be say your party na Fresh Democratic Party (FDP). Even God wey tell you say you go win go turn around vote PDP put for power.” Na just story I dey talk o before dem “Babatards” carry my matter like divorce matter.

Study has shown that a medical student would most likely finish his/her 7 year medical course, get a job and marry but Okotie will remain single. It went ahead to submit that the medical student will have a child who may grow up to meet Okotie single. I don’t even know who conducted this kind of amebo study and even had the nerve to tag it “the PromiscuOkotie report”. Is marriage by force? Doesn’t the bible say that each one is given his gift- to some the gift of marrying multiple times and then to others the gift of divorcing. We are not all the same, to each man his grace. I don’ know what it is with these people with marriage, after all Paul in the bible was an unmarried man. However, some researchers took the submission of this study very seriously that the subject was brought before T.B Joshua for counseling and deliverance and this is what transpired:

T. B Joshua: Explain yourself! You the spirit tormenting this vessel, show yourself! What kind of spirit are you?

[Doing what spirits normally do in the Synagogue cinema]

Okotie: I am a strong man.

T. B: What kind of Strong man are you? Speak up! What did you do to him?

Okotie: I am the spirit of singlehood, divorce and anti-marriage. I destroyed his marriage.

T.B: Don’t waste my time! How did you destroy his marriage?

Okotie: I made him to be speaking big, big grammar to his wife. His wife does not understand him; even in the room. You can also call me spirit of big grammar.

T. B: Give us an example, fast!

Okotie: Like one time, he took his wife to the room and said: “honey, I am experiencing some biological function which has led to an erection, and in order for me to satisfy this compulsion of the male humanoid extraction, I will have spread thee into a situation of fashionable dissection in order to make the budgetary allocation for my intended penetration. If you get me clearly, can I hear you say awhahaha?

T. B: What else have you done to him?
Okotie: I made him not to open his church branches in other places except Lagos.

T. B: Why is this so?

Okotie: haba! He is not even done with the women in Lagos, if I allow him to open a branch in a place like Calabar or Port-Harcourt, do you want him to die? T.B you sef, try think am now; if they kill him for me, who will I possess?

Another thing I do wonder about Okotie’s church is whether it is a church service or a potential site for assassination. I mean what the heck are those mean bodyguards and policemen doing around the altar? Is somebody planning to assassinate our dear preacher? That was how I attended the service sometime ago and out of fear of looking into the eyes of the mean guards, I dropped my wallet into the offering box and could not put my back in there to retrieve it out of fear of being mistaken as a security threat. “No be me dem go use learn work!” So I passed.

What happened to the protection from angels? I do not understand how men who claim they that are spokesmen of a being of omnipotent credential will rely on the fortresses and arms of men. Perhaps the angels are on strike and cannot protect him. I thought people who say they have a better place in heaven should be happy to welcome any situation that will arrange their transition to their celestial mansions. Probably they do not want meet their father heaven out of their plenty misdeeds or they do not even believe in the heaven they profess. Men who claim their kingdom is not of this world but have no intention of transcending to the kingdom they profess is theirs.

And they say I’m the unbeliever. I’m just speechless…….

By Imoh “Son of David”

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