T. “BRIBE” Joshua: Casting out Demons with 50,000 Naira

Twitter: @ImohDavid

Emmanuel! *The congregation answers ‘God with us’*

Brethren, I have a testimony to share:

I went to the Synagogue Church for deliverance. As the Prophet was laying hands on people, when it came to my turn, I began manifesting and the following ensued-

T.B: You demon, out of him now! Show yourself! Who are you?

Me: *groaning like an Ibo Nkita* hahaha, they call me strong man.

T.B: Speak out! Let me hear you! What kind of spirit are you?

Me: *shaking head like an imbecile* I am the spirit of talkative or should I say “writative”. Call me spiritual ‘amebo’!

T.B: What have you done with him?! Speak out and don’t waste my time!

Me: I make him write and write and amebo with his pen.

T.B: What and what have you made him to write about?

Me: Pastorpreneurs, polithiefcians, pulpitarians, churchdustry, Men of con, sorry men of God. And very soon he will write about you and the collapsed building. Hahahaha

T.B: You foul spirit, I command you out! Out! Out! Out right now!

Me: *interrupts T.B* The kind of spirit I be, anointing water, casting and binding no dey move am oh! In case you don’t know, I have written everything and finished. It is only remaining for me to press the “send” button on my mobile.

T.B: In the name Jesus, take this 50,000 naira and forget about writing the story.

Just when I was about to stretch my hands and collect the brown envelop, I was woken up by a loud noise from a “strange aircraft” that passed over my building.

However, the building did not collapse and I live not very far from the South African air-force base. Air-force planes fly over my apartment building everyday but it has never collapsed. Oh! Silly me! What do I know? The plane that flew over T. Bribe Joshua’s building was a “strange aircraft”, while the ones that fly over my apartment building is an air-force aircraft. The “strange aircraft” can fall buildings without dropping bombs. Okay, I get it now.

If I was T.B Joshua I would ask God why he will be showing match scores and predictions to me that cannot save anyone’s life but he (Sky-Baba) cannot or will not show me an impending building collapse in my backyard that would have probably saved lives. Sorry, asking question is a blasphemy in religion, no wonder God does not speak to people like me. I pass. Religious people…. *sigh*

I do wonder how the strange aircraft flew miles past several buildings but on getting to T.B’s building, it suddenly caused the building to fall. Silly me; What did I just ask? That is why it’s called a strange aircraft in the first instance and above all, it’s an imaginary aircraft. What else was one expecting from the sole proprietor of spirits and demons in Nigeria?

A standing ovation for the one icon that single handedly introduced the market of spirits and demons into the churchdustry: Water spirit, fire spirit, plastic spirit, spirit of accident, spirit of malaria, spirit of ebola, spirit of menstruation, spirit of subsidy, spirit of PDP, spirit of rigging and just recently, the spirit of strange aircrafts. When the spirit of strange aircraft came, the spirit of bribery was born but however, the spirit of Nicholas Ibekwe manifested a spirit of audio. *In Don Jazzy’s voice* DoroSpirits, DoroT.B, DoroBribeThePress with 50,000 naira but DoroNicholasIbekwe come be bad market wey born Doroaudio. Chai DoroWantMyShare.

So profitable is the business of spirits that the anointing water was invented. That tiny bottle of water which cannot quench the thirst of an ant is given out freely for the sum of 5,000 naira. It is not for sale oh! You only have to buy a DVD of 5,000 naira to have the FREE bottle of water. Out of Jealousy, the Aba and Onitsha boys could not allow the man in the Synagogue to enjoy the MUMUpoly all by himself. They quickly invented their pirated T.B water. At least he has given the Aba/Onitsha boys something to eat. Well, it was short-lived because the greedy Aba/Onitsha boys were not paying their tithes and taxes to their host. T.B smartly invented a new one and repackaged it completely different. And so, the Aba/Onitsha boys who had a warehouse filled with the old annointing water lost this one (for now). T.B Joshua 1 – Aba/Onitsha pirates 0. Churchdustry indeed!

I am using this opportunity to announce to all that I am a Man of God. Man of God not “Gun” please; I have no intention of flying weapons in my private jet. I only desire to commit crimes and get away and then blame imaginary enemies or is it spirits they call it? I’m just confused here. I heard firstly that Boko Haram and “the enemies” were responsible and later on it was a “strange aircraft” and I’m sure many more imaginary suspects will be supplied. The title of Man of God will give me the leverage to disrespect the intelligence of people and do just about anything and not be bothered about being brought to book.

I understand that the Lagos State Commissioner for Physical planning addressed the press that the church’s structure was upgraded from 4 to 6 storeys without approval. I guess it was the “strange aircraft” that caused the church and T.B to engage in such deliberate disregard of the law. Maybe we should call it “Spirit of disobedience against building planning.” So this Spirit caused them to raise a structure originally approved for 4 storeys to 6 so that she can now invite her colleague “Strange aircraft” to bring down the building. Isn’t the story so awesome? So intelligent and convincing that our President had to order for an investigation on the “strange aircraft”. I think he should equally set-up a committee on “strange aircrafts and spirits” to investigate these spirits.

Our President did not visit the Chibok community, not until so much pressure and taunting that he sent for the parents of the kidnapped Chibok girls to visit him in Abuja. Now, T.B Joshua’s church collapsed, he hurriedly ran to the site in Lagos. National priority! Thumbs up to the oga ontop! The last building that collapsed in Lagos, did he visit the site? T.B Joshua’s building is a bigger calamity to the President’s feet than the kidnapped 200 Chibok girls. Whose property again was used to buy weapons in South-Africa? A priest and a friend of Aso rock also? I think we should waste no time in anointing our President a priest. Our Commander-in-“PRIEST”, we hail thee! The President of the US paid a surprised visit to the American troops in Afghanistan, the UK Prime minister did same and the German Chancellor demonstrated same. They did this to boost the morale of their troops in Afghanistan. But our Commander-in-“Priest” would rather visit the crash site of the property of a priest to boost the morale of a priest rather than Chibok or Maiduguri to boost the morale of the Nigerian troops doing a serious job for the nation. Espirit de corps! The theocracy of the Religious State of Nigeria.

The rest of the world must be considering us very reasonable and intelligent. What a bright future we have! Our government officials are full of vision. What is it they ranked us again? The 7th nation with people living with the lowest IQ. Don’t mind them, they are jealous of our sense of reasoning and the brilliance of our leaders; what do they know? Can’t they see that our reasoning have brought us so much development? The only country in the world where spirits and demons are responsible for everything and anything.

I am just curious; if someone should build a structure that is not approved by the government, has he committed a crime? And then also, if that structure which was not approved turns-out to kill people, is it also a crime? Well, in Nigeria, the victims of negligence and disregard of the law by a church are called matyrs and the Priest is called a victim of strange aircraft attack. Good people, great nation!

Do you still have lawyers and a law in Nigeria? What am I even asking, he is a man of God “Let God be the judge”. If he likes, let him take actions that will kill all of us, it is ONLY God that will judge not man. Because of that, I am officially a man of God and I’ll be building structures as I please whether the government approves of it or not, after all it is only God that will and can judge me in my intention to make “matyrs” of the dead from my flagrant disregard of the law. The rule of law and the courts are for the animals of God. Can we all become men of God and enjoy this territorial immunity? That we might seize to pay taxes, commit actions of negligence, defraud the animals of God and get away with it. Whoever that complains and talks about my excesses as a man of God, he is an agent of satan and a pilot of “strange aircrafts”; theocracy! Nigerians, you are a civilized nation of rule of law, an enviable example to the rest of the world. Giant of Africa, you are, very truly.

Some folks are complaining and barking that T. Bribe Joshua offered bribe to journalists in other to kill the stories of his negligence which eventually caused the death of many. Well, as a man of Con sorry God, he is doing what is scriptural. It is written in Proverbs 17:8 (ESV):

“A bribe is like a magic stone in the eyes of the one who gives it; wherever he turns he prospers.”

We have too many criminals on the pulpit in Nigeria that should be having a date behind bars. We are just protecting, babysitting and encouraging them to be more criminal. And yet we wonder why we cannot grow? How can a nation where criminals are defended by the very people they are robbing ever grow? What you excuse and permit will always continue. Stocholms syndrome at its best that Nigerians suffer from. Every country deserves the woes that befall them. I repeat, Nigerians, check-mate your priests and polithiefcians.

I leave you with this quote by Thomas Jefferson a founding father of the United States:

“In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. It is error alone that needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself.”

~Thomas Jefferson, in a letter to Horatio Spofford, 1814

By Imoh “Son of David”

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