Tag Archives: Pastors

The four types of Christians and the ONE you must avoid PT 4: THE PASTORPRENEURS

Napoleon Bonaparte, the French military and political leader who lived in the 18th century did not spare to note in his famous quote “I am surrounded by priests who repeat incessantly that their kingdom is not this world and yet they lay hands on everything they can get”. One can simply imagine that the practice of priestly gluttony did not begin in this age, and it is in fact an inherent character of the men in robes who mount religious altars to insatiably crave for the luxury of coins and the pockets of the simpleton.

The pastorpreneur is the man on the payroll of everyone’s pocket in the church. He is the reason why the churchgoer can’t put his mind off on “settling God”. He is the reason why the churchgoer will work twice harder in order to bring his proceeds to God of which the pastorpreneur is impersonating in practice. Men of God they call them, but Gods of men they are, for whatever they lay claim to the sheeple as the dictates of God, such declaration is certainly of God and the sheeple won’t and can’t question. When the churchgoer says he pays his tithe to God, they are the Gods in whose possession the tithe safely lies. Their pocket – the church’s offering, their bank account- the collective proceeds of men, and the minds of men- their football pitch. None other but these men solely control the mentality and minds of men en masse. The mentality of a religitard is determined by the oral blunder of his pastor.

They are like software developers, whose input determines the output and behavioral outcome of the religitard and churchgoers. Insult the religitard and every other thing, but say no word about his pastorpreneur; he’ll skin you alive. To the shepple, he is blameless. Even in his glaring blemish and corruption, they see nothing and hear no evil. True to this, the pastorpreneur lives as God; for who can blame God? The choir spinsters are for his delight, to do freely as he is pleased. Fishers of men like the holy book labels them, and true to the title, all he needs to do is simply point at the desired spinster(fish) and the kill is all to his indulgence in the bedroom. After all he who works in the altar, must eat from the altar. The pastorpreneur not only possesses the power to hack into the wallets and minds of men, he can equally hack in between the thighs of the religitard bandwagons on skirts. As a man, you just can’t help but envy the pastorpreneur; all he’s got to say is “Thus says the Lord sister Grace, ‘commit thy vessels of milk and flowery temple into the hands of the prophet, that he may come his bowels into thy wet abode”, and boom! He is laid. Call it the work of the PIMPINGSTRY, sorry, the work of the ministry.

Not only are the wallets and purse of gullible men not safe around these men, the thighs and breasts of maidens are not spared from their nets. Whether a bachelor or a married man, the pastorpreneur is a lustful man. It is said by the old quote that “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely”. The priest is one who wields some power over the minds of people under the sound of his voice and fellowship. He is one who is highly revered, wielding the age old primitive book tagged “holy” and above all unquestionably sacrosanct to dictate to people the affairs of their mind, what ought to be and not ought to be. He is regarded as the servant of God, the voice of God, one who knows the affairs and dictates of God more than the rest of the clan. As such his voice is that of God, his opinion is God’s and his demands are God’s. He is the voice of God and the “GOD of Voice”; the man whose voice supersedes every other voice in the mind of the religious. He is the man whom the people have appointed to deceive them, the man whom men have permitted to lie to them, extort them and determine to them what ought to be and not be.

More gullible and susceptible to their greed are the desperate single women in the church; the single sisters whose desire is to hear the one over-rated statement of two brief words “I DO”. In the Pentecostal churches where some preachers are referred to as “Prophets” or “Seers”; preachers who are believed to possess some special gifts to perform miracles and hear in real-time from God, these desperate singles are their favorite play toys and objects of quick extortion. Since the prophet is regarded as one who speaks with God in real-time and posses extra authority and power to do certain miracles like giving husbands, jobs, healing, wealth, etc.The contest to please this very pastorpreneur is trendy and politicking in the church. The coins and properties of men are his gifts without even calling. The stupidity of the ignoramus is his blessing no which he will ride happily on with a smile to the bank. Those who possess no cash to gain his favor that will draw his miraculous intervention into their predicament, they often opt to pay in kind either by being dedicated workers in the church, domestic helpers at the preacher’s house, not excluding the services of aiding the man in times of erection. When it comes to servicing the bedroom of the priest and attending to matters of his priestly erection, the gullible spinsters and female religitards are ones who happily tend to his libido. Like the religious always defend their gullibility and extortion by the preacher say “If I give the man of God, I am giving to God not a human being. Because the bible says “WHOEVER RECEIVES A PROPHET … SHALL RECEIVE A PROPHET’S REWARD…..” The acclaimed holy book says “FOR WHOEVER SHALL GIVE YOU A CUP OF WATER TO DRINK IN MY NAME ……. HE SHALL NOT LOOSE HIS REWARD”. As such, it should be defended that giving one’s vagina to the priest and tending to his thirst in erection or libido is “giving unto God” and not the preacher.

No other day of the week gives the preacher so much joy like Sundays. He is on his highest ebb on these days. You can never find an unhappy pastor on Sunday unless of course the turn-out in the Sunday service was disappointing or the church offering did not amount to what he had hoped for. Cetris paribus, the preacher is the happiest on Sundays. Standing tall and high on joy on the pulpit, the preacher is often the finest to sing the popular church song “I AM HAPPY WHEN THEY SAY LET US GO TO THE HOUSE OF THE LORD”. Every preacher is at orgasm when the lyric of this song from the psalms of David is played aloud. And the preacher never fails to echo “IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD, THERE IS FULLNESS OF JOY”. If you are the preacher, will you disagree? Standing shoulders-high like an alpha-male on the pulpit and over-looking his congregation, his sees the vibrating smile of his church members, the happiness and willingness by the sheeple to be fleeced by their shepherd. He sniffs the air and smells the gullibility of the people, he inhales deeply and drops a worship song that expresses his innate euphoria, and true to his vibe, the people about to make him richer join to echo his joy as he closes his eyes to picture his bank figures about to add some weight.

The preacher is a like a spoilt child and a baby that refuses to grow-up. He wants to be fed, he wants his needs to be everyone’s, and he wants his desire to be everyone’s burden. All he does is demand, ask, and beg, and above all, he demands like it is his right to be given. He wants a new car, the congregation must find a way to bring it to his garage. He builds a new home, the congregation must be involved. He gives nothing to people but wants everyone to give him everything. The only thing he gives to the people are adrenaline triggering rhetoric and sermons all tailored towards how they should give to his purse, which he’ll tag as “the church”. Give, give and give is what their mouth is dripping with.

Like a spoilt child and an ingrate, those who give the most to his coffers are his favorite, whom he appoints special sits and titles in the congregation. The men whose pockets leak the most into his coffers, their homes his feet shall find an unending tourism. Pitiable are those who have nothing to contribute to his bank account, for they do not exist. They are ones whom the axe of “church discipline” and discrimination hangs around. More pitiable is the man whose home the preacher’s feet knew but fate took away the one object which brought the preacher continually to his yard. Like a used snack, he shall be thrown into the dustbin of history.

Pastorpreneurs are among the worst ingrates ever. They dance around men who contribute copious sums to their “PIMPINGSTRY” and greet the meager members with a snob appeal. When the person who is in the habit of showering their coffers with money is ineffective or goes broke, they dump the individual and move on to another host. They are parasites, ingrates and con men. All they care about is their business and you just have to envy the way they call it: “the Work of God”, “ministry”, etc. They are in the business of competing against each other. Pastor A versus Pastor B; who has more sheeple, who is richer, who drives better cars, whose wife is prettier or more expensive. Their competition is even taken outside the church business to schools and private jets ownership. And the religitards are applauding to the rat race as their incomes are fueling the luxurious greed of the priests.

Priests are men of avarice on fraudulent robes saddling the minds of gullible men to the abattoir, slaughtering every piece of sense and reason in them and with no intention to spare any pint of rationality in their souls. They are the merchants of superstitions, marketers of fairy-tales and the parasites of the men’s coins. You need not wonder why the politicians are found with them. Be wary of them for they will take your money, rob your senses and drain every drop of rationality left in your soul and replace it with fear, bigotry, pious hope for superstitions and buffoonery. Your daughters are not safe with them; they will snoop into their panties. Your young boys will not be spared either. And their fiery lusty eyes will not be taken off from thy green fields. Look upon them like the fox; revere them like you would, the lion.




“GOD SPOKE TO ME”, “GOD SAID THIS TO ME”, “GOD WHISPERED THIS AND THAT INTO MY EARS”, etc these and many other phrases we have been inundated with by special humans with special hearing kits which the rest of us are not entitled to.

In my days as a religious buffoon, I usually ask why God spoke to Brother X and Sister L and ignored me. This ill-comfort of mine was at its peak back in the days during cell meetings on campus-fellowships. I’ll always wonder in bewilderment when brother x said “last night in my bedroom, the Holy Spirit told me this and that and he asked me to share it with you”, and sister L will narrate same “on my way to the bathroom, the Lord told me in clear terms blah blah blah”.

I have come to notice that God only speaks to the following people:
– The dumb-ass and stupid
– The hungry
– Chronic liars and con men
– The mentally unstable

Every man has his fair share of stupidity, but there are some folks that make other stupid people feel like geniuses. Yes we are stupid creatures impersonating the form of man; we have at one time believed stupid things, said stupid things and practiced same.

In the childhood and teenage stage of a man’s life, he is entitled to the free practice of the inane without demur. In short, as a human, you are naturally allotted with an entitlement of the fatuous, this I know, understand and equally sympathize with our mortality over this. But hey, that is not what I’m referring to.

While some of us wrestle so hard to do very badly in the art of stupidity, others make no effort in cultivating their fair share of grey-matter, hence, abandoning their natural plot of common sense to be overgrown by weeds, cobwebs and all forms of garbage which in turn fertilizes their vibrant hectares of stupidity. Such individual are so great in their personage of inane reasoning that they’ve attained an avatar stage in ludicrousness. These individuals are the folks God would always speak to; the gormless, brain dead peeps.

Stupidity is not a function of classroom and college education and degree. Stupidity is unreason personified; buffoonery embodied and twaddles in glorification spree. We are all liable to fall victim to our stupidity, even great and respectable minds likes of Aristotle, Friedrich Nietzsche, Napoleon Bonaparte and Plato were not immuned. Conflicting to his reputation, Aristotle said that children should be conceived in the winter, when the wind is in the north, and that if people marry too young, their offspring will be female. Friedrich Nietzsche, despite his thought-proving essays and words, said “When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs”. But since their ingenuity and brilliance outlived their inane, the ridiculous is forgotten. Unknown to many, they won’t come across the few bad lines of these great minds, because out of respect for these figures, scholars and educators don’t quote such. However, they gaffed, and so do we all.

But there are some folks in the 21st century where information is not too difficult to come by still languish in asininity; so excellent is their dimness that other stupid beings like yours truly find gratitude in our level of inane. These people are so great an avatar in ridiculousness that they can force one to wonder whether some peeps reincarnated from the Aztec age of reasoning. I have met quite a number of them and one may think that these folks are not schooled, but this is not the case. A lot of them I’ve come across are more schooled than me.

I have met one who said he is a medical doctor and at the same time said the evolution theory has no scientific back-up. If the above was the only thing he said, much disappointment would not have found a comfortable seat in my heart like his attempt to verbally bully my humble self and a few others around with this statement “As a doctor of over 8 years experience in medicine, I am in a better position to tell you about science.” Out of astonishment, I responded by telling him that if I had any intention of becoming a medical doctor, not only would he kill my ambition but force me to assign comic assumptions on the noble profession. Well, it turned out that the Nigerian-trained doctor did not fail to boast of how God has fed, clothed and helped him at work especially in treating patients, When asked how God helps him in treating patients, he responded by saying God speaks to him all the time and he tells him what to diagnose and prescribe to his patients. When asked of his family and wife, he said God told him his wife was cheating on him and his kids are not his, which was the reason he sent them out of his home as God had directed him. When asked if he has done a DNA test on his kids to ascertain whether or not they are his, he simply responded, “God has already done that, I just have to have faith in his words because he cannot lie”.

I met another who said that scientists have “PROVEN” that there is a place like hellfire. Before he knocked me out with the above statement, he boasted of his personal colloquy with God. According to him, he is an economist.

Another which I came across once anticipated inundating my ears with the grieve message of the rapture as ‘GOOD NEWS”, which he must share with me willy-nilly. While in his bleating exercise, he narrated to yours truly how God speaks to him daily and reveals secrets to him. Of all his bleatings, it was the statement that God reveals secrets to him that really got my attention and I was moved to probe: “What secrets does God reveal to you”. Pointing to my Zara shoes and blackberry phone, he said “God revealed to me that they come from the kingdom of darkness”. Just to excuse my ears as rather too hasty to misinterpret people, I begged his pardon and he repeated same and went further to quote bible verses. It turned-out that he was a graduate of Engineering in Nigeria. I wasn’t surprised, I was vexed with shame.

These are just very few examples of the inane I’ve been confronted with in my encounters with the hearers of the voice of God. It is not their claim of speaking to or hearing from God that amazes me. Due to constant bombardment of arguments from religious lunacy, my ears have grown in adaptation to the hilarious. But the fact that the omniscient God cannot just lend them some ounce of sense, at least some knowledge of science and intelligence of the Omniscient should rub-off on them, but that isn’t the case because it seems God is in the business of recruiting people who are in the expertise of making others feel cool with their brilliance due to their doltishness.

There must be a reason why God doesn’t speak to the likes of Einstein, Mark Twain, Hitchens, Dawkins and many men of great brilliance. Do you know what great accomplishments (or souls like they call it in theology) can be achieved if remarkable people like Mark Twain heard the voice of God or should I say was used by God? Of course he won’t do that! The God of religions is not a lover of brilliance and science. The Priests in the dark ages acted accordingly with his irritation for such men when they slew many great minds and destroyed their works all to the Glory of God. However, in the spirit of practice, God, till date is still in the business of speaking to dumbass people.

culled from “DEITIES AND FANTASIES” by Imoh “Son of David”

God Does Not Call The Chinese And Why

The most profitable place on earth anyone should be a preacher and pastorpreneur is China. China’s population is over 1.351 billion, the largest of any country in the world. Here in Nigeria where a pastor of a new and “SMALL” church can be seen struggling with 10 to 25 members, but that won’t be the case in China which makes about 20% of the world’s population. A small church in China would at least have between 3,000 to 25,000 members in a single church service. And a very large church like Nigeria’s Winners Chapel of Bishop Oyedepo in Ota which boasts of about 300,000 worshipers in a single service, if it were to be converted to a Chinese version, it would be smiling between 30 million to 100 million worshipers per service.

The analysis is very interesting and could give a Nigerian preacher a hard dick to go start up a Church in China. But sadly, China is one of the worst places any aspiring or an already established pastorpreneur should establish a church; they will all go broke! Have you ever heard of a pastor Xi Chung or Prophet Lee Chang or a Bishop Feng Chi or even an Imam Zhang Wei or an Alfa Wang Xiu? Of course not! Even if they exist, they are as many as a Monk Oyedepo, Monk Adeboye, Monk Mensa, and Monk Imoh.

Of course God doesn’t call the Chinese and Japanese, I’ll tell you why. The reason why the acclaimed God that called Bishop Oyedepo and pastor Adeboye of Nigeria would not call a Bishop Wang Chi or a Prophet Li feng is because that God knows you cannot tell a Ying Jing that works in auto-company that you drove from Benin to Lagos on an empty fuel tank, neither can you convince a Li Na, a female medical doctor that a Jewish skydaddy impregnated a virgin (without a penis and a sperm) to give birth to his son (which is also himself), so that he’ll sacrifice his son (himself) to his sky version so that he can forgive mankind of the sin he alone is responsible for convicting them. You just can’t do that.

Skydaddy knows that you cannot tell a Chinese factory worker that it is better to pray than to produce. Skydaddy knows you cannot tell a Chinese banker and economist that you should pay your tithe and offering for a blessing to drop from the sky! Skydaddy knows these things, that’s why he’ll never call a Bishop Xi Tai to a so called ministry cos the Chinese are bad markets!

But when skydaddy looks around, he’ll ask himself “who can I tell that I live in the sky?” He’ll ask who is more likely to believe that the Chicken came before the egg? Who is the perfect person that can believe that prayers move mountains? He looks around and searches, then sees the Oyedepos and Adeboyes and screams EUREKA!

Unlike the Chinese who cannot be told that their ancestors were SINNERS, skydaddy knows that the African needs very little effort to be convinced that not only his ancestors were sinners, but his future generations as well, and also he is cursed by God because of his ancestors, as such he’ll have to spend his entire life on the knees pleading and begging Skydaddy for a so called mercy and forgiveness to be deserving of a heaven he can only partake after death.

Unlike the Chinese who labour vigorously and applied pragmatism to become the world’s second largest economy, skydaddy knows the African believer wouldn’t want such long labour and rigorous planning that involves thinking and policy making, skydaddy opted for the African like the Nigerians, cos he knows they’ll buy the idea that they can pray to become the world’s largest economy in 2025.

The Chinese have image nausea and skydaddy knows this. The Chinese cannot fathom the image of some curl-hair Jewish man with a European look as a son of God and saviour of man kind. Rather than subject his son (which is also himself) to ridicule and rejection, skydaddy will opt for the African who is ever ready swallow this without resistance.

God does not call the Chinese man!


THE UNBELIVER’S GUIDE: The four types of Christians and the ONE you must avoid PT 3


First of all; who is a “RELIGITARD”?
It is a term used to describe a “religious-retard” who is closed to the views and opinions of others, and who also voices their own opinions as fact; whilst committing crimes against human intelligence in the name of religion.

The proper religitard are the active church participants, the so called BORN AGAINERS, church workers, the lovers and worshipers of pastors, etc. You know the type of folks when their phone rings; you’ll hear an Oyedepo, Chris Onyakhilome or Adeboye voice echo “THIS WEEK IS YOUR WEEK…. AMEN!!!”, “YOU SHALL NOT DIE!! YOU ARE BLESSED!!”,etc, or you can hear the recitation of the Lord’s prayers or any of the religious audio insignia. The proper religitard is a closed-circuit headed Christian; they have abandoned using their sense of reasoning. As such, expecting anything intelligent from these folks is like expecting urine from a chicken. They are not found wanting in the four “SELF” syndromes: SELF-INDULGENCE, SELF-ABSORBED, SELF-SEEKING, SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS.

Everything about this type of Christian is a Me, I, Mine, My, etc. Utterances such as these are very typical of them: “everyone died in the accident but MY GOD saved me”, “MY GOD has blessed me”, “I AM BLESSED not lucky”, “MY GOD has lifted ME above MY ENEMIES”, “I AM a covenant child” “God has HONORED ME above my peers”, etc.

The proper religitard is a self-appointed speaker of God, the mouthpiece of heaven and the self-acclaimed ambassador of heaven. Below are the characteristics and symptoms of a Proper Religitard:

HYPOCRISY. All religitards are hypocrites; you can’t take howling away from the wolf. A typical female religitard will criticize the dress code, relationship and behavior of other females as IMMORAL, SINFUL, PROSTITUTING, etc but they are secretly getting laid by their pastors, choir leader or married man/ brother in the church. The male religitard will be the first to speak against FORNICATION and PER-MARITAL sex; meanwhile he keeps a beehive of porn tapes at home or in his mobile.

SELF ACCLAIMED SPIRITUALITY. The religitard is one that is avowed in their acclaimed spirituality. When it comes to matters of so called spiritual life and knowledge of God they are self-assertive in their robustness. All religitards claim they hear the voice of God or some Holy Spirit speaks to them. Nobody prays better than them; some take their prayer-fulness to a nocturnal level. I register my condolence anyone that shares the same dormitory, flat or apartment with these type of religitard, its either you co-operate with their spiritual warfare or you complain and become an agent of Satan. In my country Nigeria, they every landlord’s and co-tenant’s nightmare, once you complain, you are a witch or wizard that is affected by their mid-night prayers.

They are never lacking in their boast of some spiritual gift and I need not forget to mention that God knows them personally because they are so important to him and have established a special relationship with him which others are not privilege to. In Pentecostal churches you will always find them speaking in tongues; you cannot separate speaking in tongues from a Pentecostal religitard. You can see them waking up one morning to say “God spoke to me in the dream, that so and so lady is an agent of darkness”, and boom! Anarchy comes knocking. The religitard is the one whom God reveals their future husband and wife to in the dream. They are the ones who are shown in the dream that they are ones their bachelor pastor will marry. The religitard is one whom God shows a vision, gives a word of knowledge and prophecy. The religitard must be a social nuisance to be complete.

SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. First and foremost, the religitard is a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN. A religitard is one who is always right in his/her faith, feelings, suspicion, and of course no one knows God and the scriptures better than them. Their fellow Christians know this about them. No one does it better than them, no one knows it better than them; no one is more right-standing like them except their pastors. Their drive from self-righteousness has made them problem makers in social organizations, including the church. Whenever you hear of a fight, controversy or scandal in the church, it is definitely the handiwork of religitards.

MINISTRY/CALL SYNDROME. Since a typical religitard is an active church participant, they are usually deluded with the “I-AM-DOING-MY-MINISTRY syndrome”, “I-AM-ANSWERING-TO-THE-CALLING-OF-HOLY GHOST syndrome”. The religitard is always on the conviction that they are commissioned with some kind of ministry from God. If a religitard is gifted with some kind of talent like singing, dancing, speaking, writing, playing instrumentals, etc they are always on the self-delusion that some holy spirit is calling them to use their talent for FISHING for Christ and promoting the gospel.

ANTI-INTELLIGENCE> since these folks have readily abandoned the use of their intellect, it is inherent of them to dislike and display crass nausea against anything intelligent and intellectual in nature. When it comes to the IQ level of these folks, there is no contest at the bottom of the ladder for them. They hate intelligent people, one of the recounting utterances from their likes would be in this manner “Philosophy is meaningless”, “Scientists are agents of darkness, “logic is nonsense”, etc. When often confronted with a superior intellect and argument, they often respond saying “RUBBISH”, “NONSENSE”, “FOOL”, etc you cannot expect decorum and rational discuss with these type of people. They are set of Christians that say some of the most stupid things ever. If you’re an unbeliever, don’t even bother engaging them in an intelligent debate, they use dumb-ass logic and foolish scientific claims to assuage their buffoonery for example: “Even science and scientists have proven that there is God and that the word of God is true”, “Einstein used the bible to proof the law of relativity”, “evolution has no scientific prove”, “all scientific inventions had earlier existed in the bible”, “Any scientist that does not believe in God is not a true scientist”, just to name a few etc.

The pastorpreneurs love these kinds of Christians; they are the foot soldiers of their business houses aka church, for their skills and talent is the oil that lubricates the business empires of pastorpreneurs. As such, when a pastorpreneur sees these kinds of Christians, he is quick to convince and preach to them that they for a HIGHER PURPOSE or CALLING, and will give them some kind of prophecy that they’ll be singing, dancing, playing instruments (depending on their skill and talent) in front of a large congregation, where the anointing of the holy ghost will spread like fire, and that “NATIONS SHALL SEEK THEM” (of course that is the topmost prayer point of every religitard).
You know the type of Christians that patronize religious stickers? That is definitely a Proper Religitard. It is impossible to find the entrance door of their homes blank or plain; there must be some religious emblem and sticker with a loud rhetoric saying something, inter alia, “JESUS’ HOME”, “THE BLOOD OF JESUS”, “I AM A WINNER”, “REDEEM FAMILY”, “2014: MY YEAR OF HARVEST”, etc, just to name a few.

Once you see the car of a religitard, the stickers on them will do the talking, as a matter of fact a religitard’s car would have more than one sticker and religious emblem on it bearing phrases like “RELAX, JESUS IS IN CHARGE”, “SHUT UP! ARE YOU GOD!?”, “THE FOOL SAYS THERE IS NO GOD”, “SUDDENLY! GOD DID IT”, “JESUS IS ALIVE”, and in some cases bible quotes and verses.

These kinds of Christians are social terrorists both to their fellow Christians and non-believers. They are the ones who lie for God and their pastors. So it’s not surprising to hear them claim they went to heaven and hell and returned. They are the ones who always have dreams and revelations that another person is a witch, wizard or agent darkness. They are the ones who destroy social organizations, homes, marriages and even their churches.

They are busy-bodies par-excellence, unstable people, and “amebor” for the lord, willy-nilly; they must want to partake in church activities. That is why you’ll find them in the choir, ushering, protocol and prayer departments. If come across any of them just RUN! I repeat, RUN! They are the types that lurk around the pages of unbelievers and the atheists on social media like Facebook, to threaten them with imaginary retribution and defend God on behalf of God. The the ones who come on people’s walls to detect to them what to write and say.
One very common trend about them on the social media is that they are quick to distance themselves from being religious, rather they identify themselves as spiritual and loving but this is a part of their inherent hypocrisy and self-contradiction. They run around engaging their attention on any updates pertaining to religion and advertizing their empty verbose.

A lot of them are chronic liars and psychotic social terrorists, try as much as possible to avoid any social engagement/relationship with them, unless of course you are a religitard like them. The energy they carry with them is poisonous, infectious and communicable. Only religitards tolerate religitards. Do not say this Son of David right here did not warn you!


God Is Dead


Mrs. Patience Akpan, a middle-aged Nigerian woman in the oil rich state of Akwa Ibom State had her husband snatched coldly by the heartless reaper, DEATH. She never worked in her entire life; her husband was her ultimate provider. To add to her misery, her poor education equally contributed to her inability to envisage the need to plan her life and that of her 2 little kids. The death of her spouse would be assumed to be the worse that had happened to this widow, if this was the case, it would have been a mild grieve and burden to bear.

Like the recurrent ordeal of most widows in developing and illiterate societies, her in-laws came calling for their late son’s little estate. “Your husband owed me 500, 000 Naira ($3,000 in estimate)”, claimed the dead man’s immediate brother. “My son said that he wanted to build me shops on the land he bought at Itu road”, claimed the mother of the deceased. Within a twinkle of an eye the wealth and assets of the dead man vanished into the hands of imposters. The aggrieved widow wept profusely, calling on the spirit of the dead man to avenge those that have extorted her and the 2 kids and exposed them to the ignominy of penury. Like the average embittered illiterate widow of a third world nation, she poured her wish for vengeance and justice on her extortionists and oppressors, expressing so much hope and assurance that the “GHOST” of her late spouse will arise in anger to strike them, or perhaps bend the arms of karma against them.
The more she wished and called on the ghost of her late husband, the more her oppressors prospered on the assets and wealth of the dead man. The dead man’s bother who took over the business of the deceased, had the business transformed from a million Naira business to a multimillion Naira worth of an investment. The more she prayed and rain curses on them, the more they prospered.
On an early Tuesday morning, her body was found lying lifeless on the ground beside a bottle of an unknown substance, which definitely can be termed a poison. Lying invitingly beside the lifeless body was a short note poorly written in a miserly English vocabulary, read:


Her kids were taken care of by the mother-law. Till date, the in-laws keep prospering both in material and wealth. I PAY MY REVERENCE TO THE DEAD DESCRIBED IN THIS TRUE LIFE ORDEAL WITH NO INTENTION TO MOCK THEIR DEMISE OR ORDEAL

DEDUCTION: God is the practical synonym of a dead man! God is not different from the dead man who left his wife a widow on earth. The widow is not different from the religious. Like the dead man who never uttered a word or came to defend his name and family, to disprove any false claims made in his absence, the God of religions will never utter one word to defend, disprove, and approve any claim about him. It is always the humans that speak and make claims on his behalf like the relatives of the deceased who laid many claims that the deceased told them this and that and entered into an agreement with them on a certain matter. It could be possible that the relatives weren’t lying or making false claims, and I it could also be possible that the deceased was indebted to his brother as claimed by the later, and it is possible that he (the deceased) might have promised his mother to build her the shops as she claimed. But how can anyone ever know if it is true?

God is like a cadaver which men will always work on as they please. The deceased could not come out to speak for himself and settle the matters in dispute, in the same way; God has never come out to settle religious disputes, arguments and wars. God has never at any recorded time come to clear all doubts, infamy, scandals and claims (whether true or false) about his name. Anyone can wake-up one morning and say God told me this and that, God appeared to me, God sent me with this word and message, etc. it is not a herculean task to perform. When someone is dead, anyone can assign false statements and quotes to him. Anyone can claim to have known him at one time; anyone can assign any experience and adventure they shared with the deceased.

When a person is dead, those he left behind when asked to speak about him, will ascribe adjectives and characteristics to him and those who never knew him will but listen and put imaginations to his persona. But one thing is certain; the deceased will never one day wake up and disclaim or approve anything about him. The dead is defenseless, speechless and emotionless, and the God of religions is no different from this.

No matter what anyone says about God, he will never pop-out from the sky or anywhere to disclaim or defend himself. If anyone says anything against the dead which might be demeaning to his memory or legacy, the relatives, followers, friends, love ones and neighbors of the deceased are the ones to defend him or disprove and approve of any statement or event that is ascribed to him. The dead can never argue or disprove anything about himself. The religious people know this in their sub-consciousness that God doesn’t speak or act, would suddenly throw tantrums at those who question or disagree with their God ideology. Some even proof the demise of their God further, by taking up weapons to fight for God via terrorism and jihadism. If God were alive and could fight for himself, men wouldn’t have no business and desire in fighting or arguing for him.

When a man is dead, his love ones would speak highly of his virtues in paroxysm. As a matter of fact when one is dead, he is perfect, for he is made blameless and saintly on the lips of those who revere him. The same with the God, he is perfect in the lips of the men who revere him. But in the lips of the enemies and men who dislike the dead man, he is evil, treacherous, malicious, guilty and a persona non grata. Such is the predicament of God in the lips of men who do not revere him or acknowledge his existence. It is men who always decide which side of the coin befits God. The dead and God are one and the same essence. Even religions claim that it is in death that men will see God and give their accounts therein. The fact is that if you’re dead, you are one and the same like God; like God, you won’t exist anymore.

The religious man like the widow, calls and whines to the non-existing and impotent. It is not new to see the religious threaten the irreligious or those of unlike faith with his God or retribution from his fantasy. The grievance and uneasiness in the mind of the highly religious when countered with prove and logic against his fantasies is so much so great that they often resort to calling the impotent to deal with the speculated object or person.

Like the woman who retorted that her late husband’s spirit or ghost will haunt them down and revenge on her behalf, the religious, when lost in an argument, tries so hard to clinch to a straw like a drowning man, often resorts to weightless threats and rhetoric: “My God will deal you”, “Repent now before you incur the wrath of my imaginary friend”, “you are playing with fire”, “one day my imaginary friend will pay you a visit”, “you are no different from Herod, be warned”, etc these and many more they resort to when they are held breathless with sound arguments. The religious deep down in his sub-consciousness know too well that his threats and lambaste is vain, but he’ll try so hard to convince his sub-consciousness that it’s true, that there exist some kind of external spirit somewhere to bring his fantasy to the glaring. Some of them, out of the frustration that their God is unresponsive, the deep-seated desire to convince themselves that he indeed exists, they bring upon themselves the task of fighting and promoting a cause on his behalf, hence the birth of jihadism, evangelism and crusades.


All Rights Reserved. No part of this Profile and article may be Reproduced, Stored in a Retrieval System or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of writter Imoh David©

THE UNBELIVER’S GUIDE: The four types of Christians and the ONE you must avoid PT 2

…Continuation from Part1


The level-playing aka the Sunday-service Christians make-up about 50% of the Christian echelon. Just like their name says, they are the “regular” christians whose righteousness and holiness are at its peak on Sundays.

You know the type of Christians that talks shit from Monday to Saturday, act very radical from Monday to Saturday, but as soon as its 5am on Sunday morning, they’ll be acting like they’ve been washing hands with Jesus for a 100 years. They are the type that’ll come out from the Club by 4am in the morning rush home, get dressed and go to church with a duck-face.

One thing I love about these folks is their sunday-service drama; they’re the first to drop to their knees at the sound of the worship song. They know Kirk Franklin’s Songs more than Kirk Franklin. The lady Christian in this category are the first to detonate tears to the lord when worship songs with lyrics like “Jesus I love you”, “You make my life beautiful”, “You make me complete”, etc. The weight of their crocodile-tears will make the Jesus crucifix be wondering who is really the one crucified here.

One thing characteristic about them is their Sunday-service apparels. They dress so good to church even the pastor would be threatened to raise more tithes and offerings to keep up with the satin competition. The females in this genre, dress so good, even the Pastor’s wife would be wondering if there are contenders for her position. She’ll transfer the burden of competition on her husband who’ll transfer the burden to the congregation to give more onto the Lord.

If they are the hat-wearing Christians, their hat would be so large to shelter an umbrella from the rain, their high-heel shoes never disappoints the church’s floor. “Koi koi koi”, says the church tile as they saunter across the church auditorium with their I-pad and samsung tablets. In those days, they were recipients of fancy/colourful bibles, but thanks to the god of Samsung/Apple and all things tablet. These category of Christians are the biggest patronizers of tablet devices just for the Sunday show. In a place like Nigeria, it is now very trendy. As a matter fact, Nigerian Pentecostal Christians have taken it to another level with their Gucci, Prada, I-pad/tablets pouches, it is now an operation “show-me -your-pouche”.

Unlike the former (the Indifferent Christian) who only knows John 3:16 and Psalms 23, the Sunday-service christians knows a bit more like the Malachi tithing verse, a couple of Jesus verses and quotes, Paul’s ego-boosting rhetoric like “by his stripes I’m healed”, “He became poor, that we might be rich”, “The kingom of God suffereth violence…. And violence taketh it by force”, etc. If they are the pentecostals, they will know how to spew a few shits aka speak-in-tongues.

The ridiculous thing about these group of christians, is that they barely know the bible but they’ll know all the words of the preacher. You’ll hear them regurgitate stuffs like “Pastor Chris said…”, “The other day when Papa was filled with the anointing, he declared….”, “My Papa in the Lord always says…”, etc. Their knowledge and ignorance is kow-towed to “Papa says”

The Pastors love these kinds of Christians, for they are the first to respond to SEED calling and donations. Their payment of tithe is not an option, there is no contest on this one, the pastor is at ease that his bank account is ever smiling cos of these folks.

One very recurrent characteristic of these folks is that when they return home from Service, they’ll be singing aloud to the neighbourhood, so that we’ll know he/she went to church. You may not even have to ask them, they’ll generous tell you “Service was great today mehnnn, it was so powerful today, you missed”.

On the social media like facebook, every Sunday morning, their duty is to post statuses like this : “Good morning friends, make sure you go to church today, it is good to praise the Lord”, “In the presence of God there is fullness of Joy, *off to church*, catch ya later”. Then after Church hours, they’ll post stuffs like “Service was explosive! I felt blessed”, “This is my week of celebration! Today’s sermon was powerful, God bless my pastor, I was touched”, etc

These kind of Christians may not necessarily like the atheists or the unbelievers, they mostly have this “Holy-than-thou mentality”. A lot of them are hypocrites. In a place like Benin city, they’ll go to the shrine on saturday then go to the church on Sunday. To them, if you don’t go to church on Sundays, you’re toast! Their religitard level is 60%.

Part 3: The Proper Religitard….